A lot of stuff gets printed about communication for couples. However, effective communication on a sensitive topic requires just FOCUS. That’s right. Focus on two things and your communication success will soar.
Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.
Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve had it with constantly arguing, or never getting lasting results. It could be parenting, money, sex, chores or anything else that has a negative history.
This time you are determined the conversation will be different. The stakes are high. You both realize you are on the same team and not adversaries. Now you can apply soothing aloe to the burn of high stress conversations.
Here is what you each do. Decide on a topic. Take an index card or sheet of paper. Write down how you want your partner to feel after the discussion. Simply write the qualities (not the actions) you hope they would feel. For example, respected, loved, accepted, considered, etc.
On the other side, write down how you would need to be in order for you partner to feel that way. For example, you might write, I need to be compassionate, a good listener, open, tactfully direct, respectful, etc.
Then go ahead and have your discussion. This discussion doesn’t need to have a resolution to count as a success (although it may happen spontaneously). You are changing the way you talk about a difficult topic. The negotiation comes later if the topic needs to be negotiated. Remember, you are creating a major breakthrough by changing the process of how you discuss a tough topic. This will guide you through many problem discussions in the future.
If you push too fast for a solution you are simply responding to your own impatient anxiety, which messes up even the best intentions to change the way you talk about a topic.
This communication tool is the fine art of cooperation at its best. Cooperation and consideration are the heart of resolving any conflict. By focusing on how you want your partner to feel at the end of the dialogue, you are opening yourself up to a different kind of negotiation tactic. You’re adding a new tool in your toolbox.
There you have it. Focus on how you want your partner to feel and focus on how you will bring that about. The more you do your part, the easier it is for your partner to do his part. Each of you commits to try this experiment at least three times.
If you don’t like it, you can always go back to the old ways. But remember, each of you must make the commitment to what you wrote down. Otherwise it won’t work.
Don’t point fingers if your partner is not perfect. Give credit for trying something different.
It is simple (I didn’t say easy) when you focus on the right things.
Do it and congratulate each other for breaking your old patterns and feeling better at the finish line.
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, speakers, and as a married couple themselves, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 80 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For free marriage advice visit their site The Couples Institute.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Your help with understanding what I am missing is invited, please. The way I read the recommendation, the person who follows it is just exchanging the desire for control of one external outcome for another.
Instead of arguing that goes no where because both parties insist on getting the other to see their side, the advice above states we should be “focusing on how you want your partner to feel at the end of the dialogue.” Even in a positive, upbeat conversation no one has control of how their partner will feel. Aren’t these goals of winning agreement to our position and pushing our partner to experience a certain mood both aspects of the same thing?
Wouldn’t more practical advice be to concentrate our attention on being the type of person we need to be if our partner’s emotions ever have a chance of realization? In other words, shouldn’t the focus be on our behavior, regardless of the response from our partner?
October 16th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Andrew -thanks for your reply. When I wrote the blog I had not considered your perspective because I wasn’t thinking of it as a control issue. However upon reading your interpretation I can see the possibilities for attempting to be in control.
The major intent of the article is to get one or both parties in the couple to see beyond their perspective in a difficult discussion. In many different places I have written about the importance of coming from your higher self (aligned with how you aspire to be in a difficult discussion) so we are in agreement as to the importance of being the type of person we aspire to be. Ultimately this is the only thing we can ever be in control of.
I was focused on the desire to influence one’s partner vs. control. For me there is a difference, as at different times we all try to influence our partner in one way or another.
Thanks for a perspective. I hadn’t considered it when writing the blog.
Pete
October 17th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Your considered reply is appreciated. Thank you for giving my observation such thought.
We are also in agreement then, on your point about influence vs. control. Simply put: make an adjustment in one part of a system, and the other parts are affected. When one partner intentionally decides to hold fast to being “compassionate, a good listener, open, tactfully direct, respectful, etc.” the other partner finds themselves in a new environment. We can never predict what the other partner’s response will be, and your advice stands strong here, we can be pretty darned sure it will be different than what it had been in previous “high twitch or volatile topic” situations.
This was summed-up best by Gandhi, wasn’t it? Isn’t this the same as his simple instruction, “Be the change you want to see in the world?” Your blog post then just gives the readers step-by-simple-step directions on how to follow that advice.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Andrew – it does seem we are in agreement. In fact Gandhi’s quote could be modified to say, “Be the change you want to see in your relationship” I believe so strongly in this concept, it is the cornerstone for my weekend workshops for couples.
It is truly amazing how much a relationship can change in a weekend when both partners give up finger pointing for 48 hours and focus on being a more effective partner.
I give them the tools to be in alignment with their higher self and remarkable changes occur.
Best
Pete
October 19th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Hear, hear!
Best back atcha,
Andrew