As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.
These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.
Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.
Five Categories of Ineffective Communication
- Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.
- Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.
- Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.
- Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.
- Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.
To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions. If you can’t resist, the only other solution is to find a partner who doesn’t do any of these – even when they’re up to their neck in alligators!
Which one of these patterns do you commonly use when the stress gets too high? To post a comment, click the “comment” link at the top of the article, right under the title on the right hand side.
Next time we’ll talk about the two basic emotions that are the basis of these reactions.
Until then,
Pete
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, speakers, and as a married couple themselves, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 80 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For free marriage advice visit their site The Couples Institute.
December 8th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I think I used all 5 types. Thanks for helping me see it!
December 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Pete
You are smart to have individuals look at their resistance styles in this way. Thank you for pointing them out.
While withdrawal as a communication tactic is not effective, there are times when it is appropriate, is it not? If someone is feeling that they are getting irritated beyond reason, excusing themselves from the situation can be beneficial.
Just one more observation about withdrawal in particular. We have heard “fight or flight” so often that we forget that the human response to stress is actually “freeze, fight or flight.” The challenge then is for us to find ways to overcome our natural impulse to freeze up, i.e. withdrawal, when we are responding to something we find extremely stressful.
Any comments you might have on these observations will be welcome. Thank you in advance.
Andrew
December 9th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Andrew – your observation “If someone is feeling that they are getting irritated beyond reason, excusing themselves from the situation can be beneficial.” is a good response if in fact the person excuses him/herself and negotiates a time to reconnect and strive for a better resolution.
However most withdrawals become a cold shoulder response which shuts the partner out and/or a refusal to discuss the problem. This is the part of withdrawal that becomes toxic over time – both partners end up feeling lonely and very misunderstood.
In terms of the freeze response, it literally happens when sudden fear or threat seems immediate. To take a classic example, walking alone through forest at night and suddenly hearing an ominous sound, the person will freeze automatically to attempt to locate the direction and seriousness of the threat.
Animals will do the same freeze response. The equivalent of freeze in a rel. is to get flooded when threatened and then can’t think straight. The “frozen” person can’t seem to exit, defend or push back against the threatening person. So they often go into a resentful compliance as a way to get some kind of relief from the pain, threat or fear.
Yes, the challenge is to find ways of overcoming the natural self protective instincts which is what the big five are all about. Most couples therapy and personal growth is about creating better responses to the big five.
I don’t think anyone ever totally masters the avoidance of these human self protective reflexes. Then again these reflexes help make us all a little more interesting. Can you imagine any good movie or book where every person had totally mastered these reflexes.
if every book poem movie had every character being the master of these reflexes, our reading and viewing would be pretty boring. Books and movies would have all the excitement of endless episodes of Captain Kangaroo
Best
Pete
December 9th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Freezing happens when the person cannot accurately identify what has happened; what they are feeling and the why and where these feelings are originating. It is the feeling of being blindsided-not knowing what hit you-which can be very confusing.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:04 am
This is great. I think I have used them all, but the one I used to use to the most often was the withdrawal. My husband called it “caving”. It’s nice to see them all written out to help me bring awareness to my reactions. I look forward to hearing more. Thank you for these great posts!
December 18th, 2009 at 5:55 am
the one i used most is withdrawal. i find it the best way to avoid argument. i find my husband very irrirtating at all times, he snores, he sneezs sooo loud every morning and farts so loudly, eats a lot, drinks soo muh coffee and drinks coca cola, eats too much chocolate and icecream, he pracically eats everythng I hate to eat… and complains abt head ache, rolls his eyes and gets very upset when told abt his terrible diet. we can not hold a conversation without ending screaming at each other. I am feed up. Now that I just keep quite, we hardly took to each other, i feel so alone yet relieved as i do not have to argue with him. i wouldlike to restore our relationship, but i dont know how.
December 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Thank you Pete for your in-depth response to my observation. Your time and expertise are appreciated.
Stephanie your definition contributed greatly to the exchange. Thanks to you, too.
December 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Wilhelmina, there are experts here that are much more prepared to help you than I am. I am not a couple counselor. With that disclaimer, I will say that my wife and I are currently separated so I have been studying the subject of healing a relationship as well as working passionately to bring us back together. I credit working on myself first as a significant reason why my wife chose not to move forward with divorce proceedings. A dramatic story of how working on yourself can change your partner is reported in this article: http://bit.ly/8rj1LD. There are several excellent books that can guide a person’s effort at self-improvement of their relationship skills. And of course you would be wise to consider learning how The Couples Institute can help you. Full disclosure: I have absolutely no personal, professional or financial relationship with The Couples Institute.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:05 am
myhusband & I are still not talking to each other. I feel we are drifting apart even more each day. Each day I pray to be a better person, to be at least a friend to my husband.. I feel sad and frustrated not to be able to get the recipe to my it right. Reading and knowing what can be done is great..it helps me go by somehow, but I dont understand why I cannot put at least one corrective move into practice, I would like to send this to my husband but he does not believe in these things.. all he knows is that I am a horrible person.