Last week I wrote about the five major categories of ineffective coping responses that people use when under stress. They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. We’ll call them The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.
Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctional communication.
It’s tough to eliminate resentment because there is often a big part of us that doesn’t want to give it up. An enlightened voice within us may believe we should release it, but it’s often the less influential voice on our internal board of directors. So we hang on to the resentments. One client argued, “It’s my reward for suffering and putting up with so much B.S.” But nursing our resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
One big problem with resentment is that it makes us feel helpless. And unless the other person changes, we are stuck in our own misery. To top it off, our resentment makes us so unpleasant, the other person has little incentive to repair the situation.
Right now, in the midst of holiday season, you might feel too busy to pay attention to your marriage or relationship. When you’re extra busy or your family obligations are stressing you, that’s when you most need to take an introspective look. The more resentful you feel, the more likely you will revert to The Five Demons of ineffective coping responses.
If you are holding onto resentments, what is the price you are paying?
Next time we discuss the mother of all crippling emotions – fear.
Until then,
Pete
P.S. I am pleased to offer 15% off all of our products ordered between now and January 4. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. If you’ve thought of attending Pete’s workshop, February is a good time to do it. The 15% discount is worth over $100. Also, this will be the last workshop in the current location. After we find a new venue, we might need to increase the price. For more information or to register, visit our website.
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, speakers, and as a married couple themselves, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 80 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For free marriage advice visit their site The Couples Institute.
December 19th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
So…HOW do we let go of resentment?nce we have notived the big “R”…how do we let it go?
Jo
December 19th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
So…HOW do we let go of resentment?nce we have notived the big “R”…how do we let it go?
Jo
December 19th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
So…HOW do we let go of resentment?nce we have notived the big “R”…how do we let it go?
Jo
December 21st, 2009 at 9:09 pm
This is where a Buddhist practice can be helpful – it teaches the fine art of letting go. If we are in a situation where we are being abused, we convert the resentment into action and leave the abuse when we can. If we are an abuser as a result of our resentment, then we can begin to let go of our resentment when we start to face the shame we are generating for ourselves as a result of our abusive behaviour.
December 21st, 2009 at 11:54 pm
The response from Toni is a good concept for a very complex question about working our way through resentment.
Mostly resentment is the feeling of pain or indignation from a sense of injury,act or remark that caused physical or emotional distress.
When we feel injured (and this covers a lot of territory) how we work our way through it depends a lot on:
1.the strength of the connection in the relationship
2.what the injury symbolizes to us
3. the amount of pain the injury triggers in us
4. the kind of regret or remorse the inuring party expresses
5. the recognition of what it costs us to maintain the resentment
6. the kind of relationship we want to create
7. and I also believe it is possible to forgive and not forget what happened
So there is really not a bumper sticker response on working our way through resentment because of it’s complexity.
However thinking about what we do appreciate about the person who did the injury may help along with thinking about the ways we have probably injured them may put the resentment in a larger perspective.
thanks for the question
Pete