We’re taking a close look at the “Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. Fear contributes to all of these behaviors.
In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge. But we also have other internal competing interests.
One part of you wants to:
- Eat what you want now vs. lose those extra pounds
- Exercise vs. stay on the couch
- Save for the future vs. buy something now
- Take it easy vs. work hard for a future goal
- Procrastinate vs. get it over with
- Speak up vs. keep the peace
- Be self disclosing vs. play it safe and be silent
- Spend time with spouse vs. find precious time to be alone
- Respond to needs of kids vs. respond to your own rest and relaxation needs
- Express resentments vs. try to let them pass
- Express what I want from my partner vs. hope they will figure it out
And the grand champion of all internal conflicts: the spectacular number of new year’s resolutions that are broken by now or will be in the next 30 days.
These kinds of internal conflicts are normal. The vast majority of people have these push-pull conflicts in many areas of their lives. We feel neurotic because neither side feels satisfied when we can’t seem to break this internal logjam.
Each side of us is afraid the other side will gain the upper hand. Each side is afraid it will be discounted, dismissed, or rejected. We all have these splits within us and each side believes it has the virtue of righteousness behind its voice. There is always a positive intent embedded in each perspective. But too often we don’t slow down enough to understand each voice. Instead we just feel crazy.
What internal conflicts are you struggling with, and what are the positive intents of each side? Click the comment link under the title at the top of this article to share your comments with me and other readers.
Until next time,
Pete
P.S. My next couples’ workshop takes place in one month. It is on Saturday and Sunday, February 27-28 in Santa Clara, California. For more information including an audio clip from a past workshop or to register, visit the couples’ workshop page of my website.
Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, speakers, and as a married couple themselves, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 80 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For free marriage advice visit their site The Couples Institute.
January 23rd, 2010 at 9:38 pm
What a great question! “What internal conflicts are you struggling with?” As I write this I am struggling with an internal conflict I have daily, which is: Doing what’s interesting but not urgent / important / useful when I should be doing what’s urgent / important or useful but boring! Constant internal conflict about that one! Especially as the interesting thing can usually masquerade as useful when it’s not really all that useful. My capacity to delude myself is quite extraordinary in fact! :-) And while I know all this I still have the struggle. When I do the “right” think it is like pulling teeth. Or like making a child remain at the table to eat her vegetables, especially the ones she says she doesn’t like! In this area, I’m still 5 years old!
I can see the positive intent of the side that says “you should be doing a, b, c today because you need to get 8 people to come to your next workshop”. If I do the marketing and they come to the workshop it will keep me in business, but because I find marketing boring, unenjoyable, and “not me”, and because I’d rather learn something new professionally, I will tell myself that I will read another article first and then I’ll do some kind of marketing after that. Same applies for admin, record-keeping, tax returns etc … boring!
I can’t see what the positive intent of the side that says “read that article” is, except that it might be trying to stop me from being bored – but it might also contribute to me going out of business!
A big internal conflict for me in my relationship is the struggle between supporting my partner by helping my step-son with his school work and knowing that when he goes back to his mother she doesn’t place any value on education, doing homework or passing assignments and exams. Sometimes he doesn’t even have to go to school. So I keep thinking why do I bother when I am very busy, and he doesn’t care much and his mother doesn’t care at all? I want to support my partner in helping his son do as well as possible at school, but we only have him at best 50% of the time, and usually a bit less than that, so it all falls in a heap when he goes back to her house. So I get very resentful of everybody!
I understand the positive intent of helping with my stepson, but the opposite, ie choosing not to help, doesn’t actually seem to have any positive intent to me.
Any thoughts?
Toni
January 24th, 2010 at 12:15 am
It sounds like your gut is telling you to help your stepson. You are providing your stepson a wonderful role model. He might not thank you, but be assured he feels the effort and attention you give. You just might be the influence that helps him realize the importance of going to college. Although step-parenting is pretty thankless in my experience, go with your gut….you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you tried.