Do you fret over gifts this time of year? Do you wonder what would make your partner feel loved, valued and appreciated this holiday season?

How many times have you picked what you thought was a winning gift and then discovered it’s a dud? That’s partly because we tend to give what we desire. Sometimes it’s painfully transparent, like the do-it-yourselfer who gives a power tool, or the chef who gives cookware. But even at our most generous, we choose gifts that WE think our partner will like. It’s always perceived through our frame of reference.

It’s hard to know what would make your partner feel truly appreciated. When I ask couples what their partners would appreciate, they often fail to come up with more than one or two things. Sometimes they even struggle describing to their spouse what they themselves would like.

Imagine how difficult it is to give thoughtful, meaningful gifts when you don’t even know what you yourself would appreciate, let alone what your spouse wants. Add to that the cultural expectations that suggest the best gift should be a surprise, and you’ve got a setup for stress. I’ve heard clients say that they try to buy gifts the receivers wouldn’t buy for themselves and that the perfect gift is one the receiver hadn’t even thought of themselves!

I love surprises. But I also love communication between partners. So I’m encouraging you to talk with each other about what is it that makes you feel loved, valued, appreciated by each other. Take time to listen. Take turns talking.

Maybe it is an apology, or taking out the trash for two weeks in a row without being asked, or picking up after yourself. Maybe you could go to a dreaded social event with a good attitude, or take the initiative in getting things ready for the holidays. For some people, sticking to the budget and not drinking too much at a party are things their partner would truly appreciate.

And it’s always a good idea to express appreciation for all the things your partner is doing during these frenetic times.

So yes, you can still buy the usual electronic gadgets, shirt and tie, or bubble bath. But consider investing some time discussing with your partner what will make you both feel loved, valued, or appreciated by each other.

And it’s not just about gifts. How do you feel when your efforts at home go unappreciated? One man said to his wife in my office, “I really don’t get much appreciation for the stuff I do for you. Case in point, I’m building an addition on the house and how much credit do I get? Not nearly as much as the work involved.”

Her reply surprised him. “Well, I do appreciate it, but what I care about even more is your putting away your breakfast dishes, newspaper and mail.”

Guess which task gave him more satisfaction – loading the dishwasher or hammering a 2×4 into place? It’s another example of giving what we desire.

Sometimes the best gift is not from Best Buy, Tiffany’s, or Crate and Barrel but the gift of appreciation which says, “I’m thinking about you and gladly make an effort to express my appreciation and love.”

Happy holidays.

All my best,

Pete

P.S. And if you’re looking for something more tangible, I highly recommend the DVD for couples massage. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.