The Couples Institute

Do you fret over gifts this time of year? Do you wonder what would make your partner feel loved, valued and appreciated this holiday season?

How many times have you picked what you thought was a winning gift and then discovered it’s a dud? That’s partly because we tend to give what we desire. Sometimes it’s painfully transparent, like the do-it-yourselfer who gives a power tool, or the chef who gives cookware. But even at our most generous, we choose gifts that WE think our partner will like. It’s always perceived through our frame of reference.

It’s hard to know what would make your partner feel truly appreciated. When I ask couples what their partners would appreciate, they often fail to come up with more than one or two things. Sometimes they even struggle describing to their spouse what they themselves would like.

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Let me set the stage.

Joe and Sally are in an expensive special occasion restaurant, their table immaculately set with Ginori china and fancy pique linen. Roses and candles add to the romantic ambiance.

The extremely long reservation list made this a highly anticipated dinner.

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Instead of asking what to do when discussions turn into arguments, ask yourself, “How do I aspire to be in difficult discussions?”

Focusing on how you aspire to be will actually give you guidance about what to do in the heat of the moment. Plus the guidelines to follow are your creation, so they’ll be authentic, organic. Since they’ll reflect your true goals for yourself, they’ll be more powerful than any goals imposed from someone outside.

The focus on how you aspire to be is your target when under stress. Without a target you will simply reflex back into self-protective modes and your nasty patterns will repeat.

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