I’m always thinking about marriage, relationships, and what it takes to be successful in them. Here’s a formula I’ve come up with:

Success = self knowledge plus determination
Self knowledge = your attitudes and skills necessary for greater relationship satisfaction
Determination = doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it

Think about it. If you have comments or if you come up with your own formula, please share your ideas by clicking the “comments” link above. It’s under the title on the right hand side.

Till next time,
Pete

There is a way of improving your marriage pretty darn fast. It takes awareness of one aspect of your relationship: patterns.

Here is what I mean. A pattern is a combination of qualities, acts, or tendencies that form a predictable sequence of outcomes in your marriage. The outcomes can be positive or negative.

First, start by becoming aware of recurring actions and reactions.

Here is what a negative pattern would look like.

Pat gets ignored by Terry.

Pat feels hurt and unimportant when ignored by Terry.

Pat reacts by sniping and getting critical of Terry.

Terry reacts by sniping back, getting defensive and then emotionally disengaging from Pat.

Pat feels ignored even more by Terry. Pat grumbles to friends and the friends are supportive of Pat. Pat stops sniping and emotionally withdraws from Terry.

Terry is glad Pat stops sniping. But is puzzled why Pat is distant. All they talk about are kids, roles and responsibilities to manage their complex lives. The discussions are important but both partners end up feeling emotionally shallow.

Neither takes an emotional risk to say what they feel and miss.

Wash, rinse, repeat for twenty two years. Kids leave home. Pat and Terry feel like they are strangers to each other.

And they are.

What can break this pattern?

It starts with awareness.

Here’s what I mean. They each think, “When I feel X what do I do about it? Do I take the risk and speak up directly? Or do I communicate what I feel indirectly? When I communicate indirectly (for example, by sniping), what is the response I get (defensiveness)? When I get a defensive response from my partner, how do I respond (withdrawal after sniping back)?”

And then, “What happens when I stop sniping and withdraw?”

“Oh, we are civil but have no emotional connection.”

Now comes the big question. “Do I choose to break MY pattern?”

Basically it is very difficult to break old patterns and sustain new ones when there is no awareness about them.

Being aware is a crucial first step. The vast majority of couples in my practice have total clarity about what their partner does that is dysfunctional. But they have little awareness of the impact of their own dysfunctionality on their partner. They simply keep repeating the dysfunctional pattern and hoping the partner gets the message and responds with new and improved response.

So here is a three step approach to a better relationship.

1. Be aware of what you both do that keeps getting repeated in a negative way.
2. Decide you want to break your part of the cycle.
3. Tell your partner what you have observed and what you are going to do differently and why you are going to do it. Your motivation is going to be for one reason only, which will keep you out of a trap. You are going to be motivated by the desire to become a better person when faced with adversity. You are going to become bigger than the problem instead of the problem being bigger than you are. You are going to do it because you will feel better about yourself and not criticize your partner if they don’t immediately jump on your bandwagon of change.

And that, dear reader, is the first and most effective step to creating a better you and a better relationship.

Now, should you falter and need some additional tools to transform your relationship, there is hope in another form.

It comes in the form of a weekend workshop for couples. There is some urgency to this announcement. The next one takes place at the end of this month on Feb 27-28 and after this one, the current location in Santa Clara, California will no longer be available on Sundays. This has created a significant problem for me.

I need to find a new location that meets multiple criteria. That is not easy so I don’t know when I will find a place or when I will do the next workshop after this one.

For more information or to register for this marvelous weekend click couples workshop.

As one participant put it rather eloquently, “It is the fastest way to make the greatest change in the shortest amount of time for the least amount of money.”

All the exercises during the weekend are just between you and your partner so you can have as much privacy as you wish.

Read the description and the testimonials on the website, and get ready of a workshop full of growth, connection and laughter. It is from 9-5 on Saturday Feb 27 and 9-4 on Sunday the 28th.

Till next time,

Pete

We’re taking a close look at the “Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. Fear contributes to all of these behaviors.

In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge.  But we also have other internal competing interests.

One part of you wants to:

• Eat what you want now vs. lose those extra pounds
• Exercise vs. stay on the couch
• Save for the future vs. buy something now
• Take it easy vs. work hard for a future goal
• Procrastinate vs. get it over with
• Speak up vs. keep the peace
• Be self disclosing vs. play it safe and be silent
• Spend time with spouse vs. find precious time to be alone
• Respond to needs of kids vs. respond to your own rest and relaxation needs
• Express resentments vs. try to let them pass
• Express what I want from my partner vs. hope they will figure it out

And the grand champion of all internal conflicts: the spectacular number of new year’s resolutions that are broken by now or will be in the next 30 days.

These kinds of internal conflicts are normal. The vast majority of people have these push-pull conflicts in many areas of their lives. We feel neurotic because neither side feels satisfied when we can’t seem to break this internal logjam.

Each side of us is afraid the other side will gain the upper hand. Each side is afraid it will be discounted, dismissed, or rejected. We all have these splits within us and each side believes it has the virtue of righteousness behind its voice. There is always a positive intent embedded in each perspective. But too often we don’t slow down enough to understand each voice. Instead we just feel crazy.

What internal conflicts are you struggling with, and what are the positive intents of each side? Click the comment link under the title at the top of this article to share your comments with me and other readers.

Until next time,

Pete

P.S. My next couples’ workshop takes place in one month. It is on Saturday and Sunday, February 27-28 in Santa Clara, California. For more information including an audio clip from a past workshop or to register, visit the couples’ workshop page of my website.

Last time we discussed resentment. It’s one of the two major bogymen that cause most of your ineffective couple’s communications. The other is fear. When you are feeling fearful or highly anxious in a contentious discussion, you are most likely to regress into being one very ineffective communicator. Remember “”The Five Demons?” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. Anger is a secondary emotion that gets expressed after we feel the fear. Here’s what I mean.

If someone recklessly cuts you off when driving, your quick outward reaction may be one of anger, “You  #$!!*%*%%#.” But you felt fear before you expressed your anger.

The same is true when you get mad at your partner or vice versa. Each of you just sees the end result (the big five) from feeling that fear or emotional pain.

What is the fear you feel in a contentious discussion? Actually it is pretty universal for humans. We are afraid of rejection, being dismissed, loss of close connections, and loss of potential support, loving attention, acknowledgment or acceptance. So in addition to fearing these losses, we feel emotional pain about them.

But this fear of loss is not what gets expressed.

What comes out is defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, resentful compliance or so much confusion we can’t think straight.

The amount of fear and pain you feel depends on your own life experiences and the meaning you made of those experiences. So everyone reacts differently in heated discussions. But one thing is true for all of us-when we exceed our fear threshold, we will regress to The Five Demons of ineffective communication patterns.

When you are in a very intense contentious discussion, your reflex self-protective brain screams one thing, “Stop the fear and pain.”

A heap of pain in a contentious, sensitive discussion is like a five alarm fire. Your protective reflex has only one goal, “stop the pain/fear” At that point, your brain isn’t concerned with your happiness, spiritual development or any other enlightened aim. You instinctively fight back or withdraw.

When you’re in a discussion and you feel a single alarm going off, you can think more rationally. Be the first to listen actively and see the problem from your partner’s perspective. Keep reminding yourself that collaboration is better than first forcing your own perspective. Constructive disagreements can lead to innovative resolutions, and you’re in a better position to do this by listening actively.

The problem is compounded when something sets off a single alarm for one person, and that same comment provokes a four or five alarm reaction in the other person. Each one believes that the other person “just doesn’t get it.” Remember, almost all alarms are driven by some kind of fear.

When you are in a difficult dialogue with your partner, do you have any idea of how many alarms the topic represents for you and for the other person?

Would you be able to discuss this concept with them?

Would you be able to discuss the fear or anxiety that creates The Five Demon response?

If you trigger a five alarm fire, take a time out to regroup to have a more friendly discussion.

And remember that during the holidays high expectations, difficult family histories, complicated relationships and busy schedules can conspire for some highly charged moments. Take a deep breath and consider how many alarms are going off for your partner before resorting to those old ineffective responses.

To comment, go to the title at the top of this posting and look for the comment link on the right side just below the title. I look forward to your replies.

Until next time,

Pete

P.S. We are offering 15% off all of our products for one more week. It lasts until January 4, 2010. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. My next workshop takes place February 27-28, and the 15% discount is worth over $100. If you’ve been thinking about attending, please do. For more information or to register, visit our website.

Last week I wrote about the five major categories of ineffective coping responses that people use when under stress. They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. We’ll call them The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.

Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctional communication.

It’s tough to eliminate resentment because there is often a big part of us that doesn’t want to give it up. An enlightened voice within us may believe we should release it, but it’s often the less influential voice on our internal board of directors. So we hang on to the resentments. One client argued, “It’s my reward for suffering and putting up with so much B.S.”   But nursing our resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

One big problem with resentment is that it makes us feel helpless. And unless the other person changes, we are stuck in our own misery.  To top it off, our resentment makes us so unpleasant, the other person has little incentive to repair the situation.

Right now, in the midst of holiday season, you might feel too busy to pay attention to your marriage or relationship. When you’re extra busy or your family obligations are stressing you, that’s when you most need to take an introspective look. The more resentful you feel, the more likely you will revert to The Five Demons of ineffective coping responses.

If you are holding onto resentments, what is the price you are paying?

Next time we discuss the mother of all crippling emotions – fear.

Until then,
Pete

P.S. I am pleased to offer 15% off all of our products ordered between now and January 4. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. If you’ve thought of attending Pete’s workshop, February is a good time to do it.  The 15% discount is worth over $100. Also, this will be the last workshop in the current location. After we find a new venue, we might need to increase the price. For more information or to register, visit our website.