by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.
I recently had a discussion with a two-time world champion ballroom dancer who has also mentored other dancers to become world champions. This man truly knows dancing and coaching. He told me the way to help your partner to become a better dancer is to become a better dancer yourself.
“Wait a minute – hold on here,” I said. “That rule can’t possibly apply to you. You enter Pro-am dance contests where by definition you are more skilled than your amateur partners. Surely it’s OK to tell your partners what they’re doing wrong and what they should do better. You are the proven, credentialed expert. They are rank amateurs. You have earned the right to tell them how to improve.”
His serious response was, “Not really. The best way to help them improve is by improving myself.”
Stunned, I said, “I totally believe that principle is true for marriages. The best way to improve your marriage is to improve yourself, especially in how you manage and react to stressful disagreements. But I thought dancing would completely different.”
Again he reaffirmed his belief. So I asked why he couldn’t simply coach a less skilled partner.
He answered, “Dancing is a very interdependent endeavor. You must depend on each other to bring out the best. You cannot depend on someone while teaching them at the same time. If you try teaching them you lose a vital spark in your ability to flow together. The best way to improve my partner is to concentrate on getting better myself.”
I savored what he told me and knew it applied to couples’ relationships for sure.
But it forced me to look yet again at something I struggle to accept. When Ellyn and I get into a vital disagreement, I am convinced that I know the correct perspective and the real solution. If only I could make her “a better dancer,” all would be right in my world.
I want to remember in that moment that intimate relationships are, like dancing, “a very interdependent endeavor…the best way to improve my partner is to concentrate on getting better myself.”
It is a lesson that needs to be learned over and over again. The lesson is simple for me: keep practicing the principles that I teach other couples.
And speaking of teaching other couples, my weekend workshop is a great place to learn. To quote the dance pro, have you “lost a vital spark in your ability to flow together?” Or would you like to learn new ways of connecting, relating with vulnerable honesty, disagreeing without losing your focus or your temper? I teach all these skills and many, many more in this two day workshop. It takes just place 2-3 times a year and gets rave reviews every time. I’d love to have you join me. For more information including reviews from past participants or to register, visit The Couples Institute .
