Do you fret over gifts this time of year? Do you wonder what would make your partner feel loved, valued and appreciated this holiday season?

How many times have you picked what you thought was a winning gift and then discovered it’s a dud? That’s partly because we tend to give what we desire. Sometimes it’s painfully transparent, like the do-it-yourselfer who gives a power tool, or the chef who gives cookware. But even at our most generous, we choose gifts that WE think our partner will like. It’s always perceived through our frame of reference.

It’s hard to know what would make your partner feel truly appreciated. When I ask couples what their partners would appreciate, they often fail to come up with more than one or two things. Sometimes they even struggle describing to their spouse what they themselves would like.

Imagine how difficult it is to give thoughtful, meaningful gifts when you don’t even know what you yourself would appreciate, let alone what your spouse wants. Add to that the cultural expectations that suggest the best gift should be a surprise, and you’ve got a setup for stress. I’ve heard clients say that they try to buy gifts the receivers wouldn’t buy for themselves and that the perfect gift is one the receiver hadn’t even thought of themselves!

I love surprises. But I also love communication between partners. So I’m encouraging you to talk with each other about what is it that makes you feel loved, valued, appreciated by each other. Take time to listen. Take turns talking.

Maybe it is an apology, or taking out the trash for two weeks in a row without being asked, or picking up after yourself. Maybe you could go to a dreaded social event with a good attitude, or take the initiative in getting things ready for the holidays. For some people, sticking to the budget and not drinking too much at a party are things their partner would truly appreciate.

And it’s always a good idea to express appreciation for all the things your partner is doing during these frenetic times.

So yes, you can still buy the usual electronic gadgets, shirt and tie, or bubble bath. But consider investing some time discussing with your partner what will make you both feel loved, valued, or appreciated by each other.

And it’s not just about gifts. How do you feel when your efforts at home go unappreciated? One man said to his wife in my office, “I really don’t get much appreciation for the stuff I do for you. Case in point, I’m building an addition on the house and how much credit do I get? Not nearly as much as the work involved.”

Her reply surprised him. “Well, I do appreciate it, but what I care about even more is your putting away your breakfast dishes, newspaper and mail.”

Guess which task gave him more satisfaction – loading the dishwasher or hammering a 2×4 into place? It’s another example of giving what we desire.

Sometimes the best gift is not from Best Buy, Tiffany’s, or Crate and Barrel but the gift of appreciation which says, “I’m thinking about you and gladly make an effort to express my appreciation and love.”

Happy holidays.

All my best,

Pete

P.S. And if you’re looking for something more tangible, I highly recommend the DVD for couples massage. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.

Let me set the stage.

Joe and Sally are in an expensive special occasion restaurant, their table immaculately set with Ginori china and fancy pique linen. Roses and candles add to the romantic ambiance.

The extremely long reservation list made this a highly anticipated dinner.

They are now ready to give their order to Pierre.

Sally: “I’ll start with the California osetra caviar atop the scallop and white bean puree.”

Startled, Joe interrupts. “Honey, I know you want me to speak up, so here goes. I really don’t want the caviar. I really want the Monterey red abalone paired with the fried Nova Scotia oysters.”

Sally: “Hmmmmm . . . this is a problem as I really like caviar and I don’t have it that often. I thought tonight being a special occasion you would indulge me and join in.”
Joe: “You know I don’t like caviar but simply love Nova Scotia oysters when I can get them. What do you suggest?”

Sally: “Well maybe we both could get the French onion soup slathered in cheese with crispy croûtons.”

Joe: “Well that seems to be an adequate compromise – not great but acceptable.”

Sally: “For the main course I’ll have the Moroccan spiced squab stuffed with couscous.”

Joe: “I’ll have the seared flatiron steak with the pancetta-and-brie-filled crepe.”

Sally: “Joe, remember how you encouraged me to speak up as well? I simply don’t like steak. It really goes against my values. It is difficult for me to say this because I know it is one of your favorite dishes. Perhaps we could both get the fettuccine with black truffles.”

Joe: “Well, I had my heart set on the steak but I guess I could live with the pasta.”

Not being able to agree on a red or white wine, they both ordered mineral water.

During dinner, Sally kept reminding Joe not to eat so fast, take smaller bites and pace himself like she was doing. Joe would remind Sally to relax and not sit so straight. She looked a little uncomfortable to Joe even though she said she was fine.

Dessert was another compromise as they got two cookies instead of the flan and strawberries with cream.

Coffee was another problem because it was regular vs. decaf so they shared another bottle of mineral water.

After giving Pierre the credit card, they remarked somewhat limply that they should do this again but weren’t sure when.

And that, my dear friends, is what too many couples attempt to do with their sex life. For practical information that can help you transform your love life, visit The Couples Institute .

Instead of asking what to do when discussions turn into arguments, ask yourself, “How do I aspire to be in difficult discussions?”

Focusing on how you aspire to be will actually give you guidance about what to do in the heat of the moment. Plus the guidelines to follow are your creation, so they’ll be authentic, organic. Since they’ll reflect your true goals for yourself, they’ll be more powerful than any goals imposed from someone outside.

The focus on how you aspire to be is your target when under stress. Without a target you will simply reflex back into self-protective modes and your nasty patterns will repeat.

For example, when Ellyn and I get into a disagreement, I have a strong urge to interrupt her. Mostly I do this out of ego. I simply think my ideas are golden and we could save a lot of time, energy and wind if she would just agree with me.

But how I aspire to be is a better listener and stay curious about her perspective by recapping what I hear and asking questions to draw out her ideas.

This won’t be easy for me so I need a motivation for doing it. I now need to think of some good benefits for me, her and us to be a better listener.

Here’s what I came up with. By listening better, I will demonstrate respect, get better cooperation for any ideas that need implementing, and instead of getting antagonism I will get respect for being a good partner. I will end up having a co-pilot instead of a passenger on joint projects.

So instead of focusing on getting my brilliant way, I will focus on how I aspire to be, which is to be a good listener. This greatly simplifies my task. It doesn’t make it easy, but it does make it simpler.

You might ask, “Well Pete, why haven’t you been doing this all along?”

Embarrassingly, I haven’t made a full commitment until now to do it. There is something about going public which strengthens one’s commitment.

So there you have it. A psychologist who has specialized in helping with couples for over twenty years, is just now is making a full commitment to be a better listener.

Your task is summarized as follows.

What do you do when you are at your worst in a disagreement with your partner?

How do you aspire to be instead? Some examples might be: open minded, compassionate, understanding, curious instead of furious, a good listener, non-defensive, calm, accepting, assertive instead of wimping out.

What are the benefits for being consistent in how you aspire to be?

For more information on how to improve your relationship, including a free offer from Drs. Bader and Pearson, visit The Couples Institute .