by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

While relationships are one of the most important and fulfilling aspects of life, many people are finding it difficult to keep their most intimate relationships healthy and vibrant. The stresses of modern day life in the fast lane have taken their toll, stealing valuable time away from us, which could otherwise be spent nurturing healthy bonds with the ones we love.

This January, you may want to make a New Year’s Resolution for your marriage or relationship that could drastically improve it for years to come. Resolving to incorporate positive strokes into your relationship on a daily basis is a simple way to heighten the intimacy and overall pleasure of any relationship. There are three basic ways to incorporate positive strokes in your relationship. Choosing to practice one or all three with your partner on a daily basis will give you beneficial results from the moment you begin.

Touch

Human beings have a great capacity for experiencing pleasure. Our bodies have nerve endings covering them from head to toe that can sense pressure, heat, cold and other potentially delicious sensations! Some human beings experience feelings of love and connectedness primarily through their sense of touch. For these individuals, a single hug can make them feel more valued than a hundred well-spoken words of affirmation.

If you or your partner respond well to positive strokes in the form of physical affection, making a New Year’s Resolution for your marriage or relationship that includes frequent touch is imperative. Sometimes, simply making a point to hug your spouse when you get home from work or to hold hands in the movies can be the difference between your partner feeling loved and connected or distant and unappreciated.

Verbal

Words of affirmation are worth more than gold to people who communicate affection verbally. If this is the case with your loved one, all of the dishes you wash and shopping you do will not even come close to providing the positive feeling of a single verbal expression of praise or approval.

If you plan to make a New Year’s Resolution for your marriage or relationship that includes a commitment to positive verbal stroking, you will find opportunities to practice your craft at every turn. A well-cooked meal, a job well done, a certain outfit, a character trait; all of these provide opportunities for you to express verbally your approval and affection for your partner.

Taking Action

With some people, you can say you love them until your face turns blue, but unless you show them how you feel by acting on something that matters, they just will not get it. Action can be as simple as making coffee, as challenging as finding a Saturday night baby sitter or as labor intensive as mending a broken fence.

To incorporate action strokes into your daily life with your spouse, simply pay a little more attention to the details than you normally would. For people who communicate love primarily through touch or verbal affirmations, action strokes are not an innate impulse. However, when you realize that action makes your spouse feel equivalent to how you feel when a tender word is spoken or a warn touch is shared, you will probably be willing to give and help in practical ways, any chance you get.
An Important Reminder

It’s most natural for people to give the kind of positive strokes that they like to receive. And it will get them nowhere if that’s not the kind of stoke their partner likes. Have a discussion with your partner about the kind of strokes he or she most appreciates. It’s very possible that you like (and give) touches while your partner prefers action strokes. Your results will be better if you give the “right” kind of stokes for your partner.

A Final Word

Positive strokes are a relationship builder when given freely instead of from a sense of duty or obligation. If you make a New Year’s Resolution for your marriage or relationship that includes touch, words, or action, be sure to keep manipulation temptations under control. That means no comments like, “You made a resolution, so you have to take out the trash!” And here’s one last important point of marriage advice: don’t harass your partner to do tit for tat.

Make the coming year a better one! Start by suggesting an example or two of positive strokes that you can think of using with your partner. Click the “comment” link under the title of this article, then write your suggestion in the box. Click “submit” to be sure your comment gets posted. Then come back in a few days to see what other couples have suggested.

I recently saw a video clip that reminded me of some of the gifts I have given Ellyn. In fact, my checkered history of gift giving has spawned several columns on the subject. But I also learned I was capable of evolving beyond a knuckle dragging Neanderthal.

I smiled and chuckled at this and hope you appreciate it as well. And no, I do not have any involvement with the video’s sponsor. Click gift giving to watch.

Happy holidays,

Pete

P.S. Here’s another gift idea that is guaranteed not to put you in the doghouse. It’s my weekend workshop for couples, and it’s a gift for your relationship. Learn to feel better faster, communicate with clarity and understanding, and be a really effective team. In fact, if after attending the workshop, you don’t think the skills can give your relationship a rapid boost, we’ll give you a courteous and total refund. For more information, including a free audio clip from a past workshop, click marriage workshop.

By Anne Chan, PhD, MFT

There’s a gift that everyone can give to anyone and it would be one of the most, perhaps the most meaningful gift ever received. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner, your children, and to your friends. It doesn’t cost a dime and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. You don’t even have to go online or brave the crowds at the local mall to get it.

I call it the gift of emotional validation. Stop and think about it – how often has someone stopped to listen, really listen to you, and affirm your feelings? It’s not just about listening, although listening is the first part. It’s also about validating feelings, telling someone they have a right to their own emotions, that it’s okay for them to feel what they feel. It’s a gift of understanding, compassion, humanity, validation, and kindness all rolled in one.

One family turned this gift into a cherished Christmas tradition. Instead of exchanging presents, this family sits down at Christmas and each of them takes turns to tell what’s been going on in their lives and how they’re feeling. This tradition is truly in the spirit of giving because each member is given the gift of being listened to, of being supported, of being emotionally validated. Each person’s story is heard and affirmed. No one interrupts, judges, or shuts the speaker down. Each person is given undivided attention. This practice may seem like an unorthodox present, but it has drawn this family closer than could possibly be imagined.

It takes a big heart, an open mind and a generous spirit to give the gift of emotional validation. This is why it’s a precious gift, but not an easy one to give.

Sadly, not too many people are up for the challenge of giving emotional validation. Most of the time, we tend to invalidate each other’s feelings, in little and big ways. We quickly chime in with our thoughts, own experiences, and suggestions – instead of waiting t to listen, to witness a person’s internal reality.

But ignoring or negating someone’s reality is tantamount to emotional violence. Here are some ways people deny another person’s reality:

• When someone goes through a tough breakup and friends tell her to forget the boyfriend and stop moaning about it
• When  one partner is upset and the other partner refuses to listen or gets angry and demands to have their side heard instead
• When a parent tells an upset child to stop being a crybaby
• When a parent is too busy texting or talking on the cell phone  to listen to their child’s recounting of something big that happened to them
• When a parent or spouse refuses to listen to a person’s dreams

We’re not even very good at validating our own feelings. How often have you swallowed your true feelings, pretended everything is okay, and acted like everything is fine when you’re suffering inside? We even have phrases like “Keep your chin up,” or “Maintain a stiff upper lip,” to talk ourselves into pretending we don’t have certain difficult feelings.

I once had the opportunity to work with an exceptional teenager a few years ago (I’ve changed some of the details to protect his identity). He had everything going for him – brains, good looks, and a winning personality. But for some reason, he was hanging out with the “wrong” crowd and getting into a lot of trouble in school. Panicked, his parents immediately brought him in for counseling. Josh (not his real name) said he loved his parents, but he reported they were always busy working long hours at the family restaurant. Most of the time he spent with them was at the restaurant, where 99% of their interactions had to do with work tasks. His parents would say, “Josh can you do this?” or “Josh, clean this table” or “Josh, serve Table 10″ but they never thought to say “Josh, how are you doing?”  Josh’s parents weren’t bad parents, they were just busy trying to provide for the family and to keep their business afloat.
When the end of the year drew near, I asked Josh what he would most like from his parents. He had been talking nonstop about the latest and greatest snowboard, so I had half-expected him to launch into a long list of the snowboarding gear. But his answer stunned me. “I wish they’d just listen,” he said simply, “Just listen to me and be interested in what my life is like. Don’t give me advice too quickly, don’t nag me, just listen.”

It struck me that Josh did not want a snowboard, cool gear, gifts, or even money. All he wanted was to have the gift of having his parents listen to him and understand his reality. I thought it was pretty cool that an all-American 21st century teenager, steeped in our consumer culture, named listening as the gift that meant the most to him.

Sure, the latest iPhone or bling-bling is wonderful to receive, but these things do not satiate our emotional hunger. Deep down, we all want to be validated, to know we are okay, to know our feelings are okay. This is especially true when we are in our most painful moments, when things are not okay.

When you think about it, a truly wonderful gift is to tell someone they have a right to their feelings and to acknowledge the feelings they have. I wish you and your loved ones many happy returns this holiday season and that you get the gifts that fulfill your heart’s deepest desire. Happy Holidays, everyone!

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Anne Chan is a career counselor and licensed psychotherapist in Union City. She specializes in helping people find maximum satisfaction in their careers and relationships. She can be reached at achan@midlabs.com or 510-744-1781.

© Anne Chan, 2008