by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.
Have you ever been in a disagreement with your partner and it’s going nowhere fast? And you know you’re on the slippery slope leading to cold shoulders, cold dinners and tension thick as grits?
Today is your lucky day. If you will practice two questions as the dialogue heats up, you can break the logjam, get back on track and avoid those dead end arguments.
Often one person can unilaterally alter the course of an argument. It only takes a genuine desire to learn something about yourself.
The first question to ask in a bad discussion is, “What am I doing that is non-productive right now in this conversation?”
Now before you think I’m asking you to bring a rope to your own hanging, there are several reasons why this is one powerful intervention.
In a bad discussion, you both are saying damaging things. Finger pointing triggers even more finger pointing. The race is now on for who can be the biggest or loudest accuser.
Asking what you are doing that is non-constructive will catch your mate off guard. Instead of having to fight to prove their case, you are actually asking them to think a little bit about what is going on.
Frankly, your question gets them to stop blurting out non-thinking, reactive, disconnected, emotionally charged accusations. Your partner will shift gears to another part of their brain – the part that will assess what is happening and why it has gone awry. Because you have asked for this information, your partner can relax a little instead of continuing the attack. On some level your partner will be grateful that you are interested in changing the course of the argument.
You have slowed the blaming juggernaut. But there is still another question you can ask that really keeps the discussion going more smoothly.
The second question you can ask is, “What can I do that would be more constructive right now?”
This is a great question to keep things on track. People who do this kind of research say 55% of your arguments can get handled just by staying on track in any given discussion. These two questions can help you stay on track if you ask them with the appropriate voice tone, facial expression and body posture.
Then if you want to be a hero, see if this question fits. Ask, “Why is my doing that important to you?” My guess is that you will often be surprised by the responses you get.
The other day Ellyn and I had a tense discussion. About 30 minutes later I decided I would ask her what I had done during the discussion that wasn’t very effective. My more usual mode is to analyze what she does, then tell her so she can respond better. Even though that approach is near guaranteed for failure, I am unbelievably optimistic that somehow it will always work better next time.
Her response surprised me. She said she really didn’t have time to have the discussion then and was annoyed that I kept it going. Being more constructive would have meant simply taking a time out. That was the last thing I would have guessed. I would have saved both of us some stress if I had my wits about me to ask it during the disagreement.
And one final question: Are you willing to experiment using these questions to save yourself some serious stress and be a hero?
Try these questions, and share your experience with other readers who are trying to improve their relationships. Click the “comments” button at the top of this article to write your observations on how these questions can help you in the midst of a fight.
And for even more help with your relationship, consider joining our Online Couples’ Community. Click marriage help to find out more about it.
* * * * *
P.S. Just in case you think these questions aren’t powerful, reflect on what your reaction would be if your mate stopped in the middle of an argument and asked you these two questions.
P.P.S. Who else could you ask these questions? Your kids, colleagues, boss?
