By Dr. Peter Pearson

Opposites attract, so this is a common story.  When Charlie met Jan he was attracted to her serenity: a calm oasis that balanced his turbulent life.

Jan was attracted to his passion. Nothing was boring about Charlie. He was equally enthusiastic whether buying apples or skiing down double black diamond slopes. They were a good fit.

After the marriage Jan saw a part of Charlie she hadn’t noticed before. Yes, he was passionate, but why did he need to pound the table and yell when he got angry? Why couldn’t he just put a lid on it? Anger is not passion.

Charlie countered that if she’d wanted to marry a wimp she shouldn’t have chosen him. He came from a passionate family where no one was afraid of expressing feelings. That is who he is.

As time passed Charlie began to see Jan’s serenity differently. She wasn’t just serene, she was passive. Whenever they had a purchase to exchange or return, Charlie had to do it. Dealing with everyone from contractors to restaurant waiters was left for Charlie because, “He was so much better at it.”

The basic problem was not Charlie’s anger or Jan’s passivity. The real problem was their inability to empathize with the other. Each tried to justify how they acted with little interest, let alone empathy, for what the other was saying. And this happens in lots of relationship, not just when opposites attract.

But then they started learning to stretch to understand each other. After several discussions, they were better able to see the other’s viewpoint. Charlie didn’t want Jan to be afraid of him and was able to see that he didn’t have to be like his high octane family when frustration hit.

He researched and read about anger problems and learned that most anger is the result of feeling some sort of pain, hurt, or fear, and not wanting to talk about it. Anger, Charlie learned, was just a poor way of expressing other difficult emotions.

With effort and driven by a basic love for Jan, he was able reign in his outbursts and speak more directly about the other emotions. To his surprise, most of the time he didn’t feel emasculated when talking about other feelings. The other times? Well, he didn’t do so well.

Jan too, listened to Charlie and took a deep breath. She recognized that not all forms of anger are bad. She might be hyper-sensitive to intense negative expressions.  Nobody raised their voices in her original family but that didn’t mean they weren’t angry. Their anger just got expressed differently. Like crying, withdrawing, and giving the silent treatment.

Jan also began to realize that one downside of her peaceful facade was insecurity and a fear of confrontation. She began to realize it could be useful for her to learn to be more direct and she took an assertive training course that helped her speak up. As she learned to do so, there were other unintended benefits. Her confidence and self esteem increased and she didn’t have to rely on Charlie to take charge of everything.

The obvious lesson from Charlie and Jan is one of opposites attracting. The passionate one often marries the quieter one. Why opposites attract is another question, but generally it is because we seek to find a balance within ourselves by finding a mate who has the missing qualities. But then the initial attraction often becomes an irritant.

The less obvious lesson is about the motivation for change. The foundation for Charlie and Jan’s individual growth was their empathy, concern and love for the other. And of course, the change they embraced did not violate any core value of either. Without this motivation, the change becomes clenched teeth will power which is bound to fail over time.

So what annoys you about your partner and why would you be interested in making an adjustment? Take a minute to click comments at the top of the article and write a few suggestions on the subject. Then come back in a few days to see what others have written.

Editor’s note:  Even small insights like these can make a big difference in your relationship. But to give your marriage or relationship a major lift, click couples workshop and find out more about Dr. Pearson’s weekend workshop for couples, “Coming From Your Heart.” The unusual guarantee makes it risk-free.