By Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

What separates world class performers from everybody else?

I’ve just about finished reading a captivating book called Talent Is Overrated by Geoff Colvin, the Senior Editor at Large of Fortune magazine.

I have held the notion that hard work and innate talent were key factors in outstanding success of world class performers.  Mr. Colvin comprehensively looks at the science behind the highest levels of achievement and bursts my delusion.

Here’s is what he discovered.

It is not hard work that distinguishes world class performers from the rest of us. Plenty of people work very hard at their craft and never make it to the top. And it is not a natural gift for golf, chess, singing, playing the violin, etc. that makes them superstars, either.

What really separates them from the thundering herd is a highly specific kind of effort.

“Deliberate practice” is the key. Deliberate practice is identifying the key units for improvement and then working intently on them. It’s not always easy making that identification for yourself, which is why a good coach can be invaluable. These key units of performance almost always stretch you beyond your comfort zone.

Because most of us have a lazy bone or two, we will resist identifying and practicing those specific and uncomfortable items. Practicing them in the right way in high volume is what makes it challenging. It requires ongoing focus and concentration and this mental effort is what makes it deliberate.

Deliberate practice is identifying what you don’t do easily in your pursuit of excellence. Then doing it again and again until it becomes mastered.

Being good at what we really want to do is deeply satisfying  -  whether it’s painting, playing the piano, tennis, running, leading meetings, or anything else.

Deliberate practice will improve your skill in almost any life endeavor. If you want to learn more about the pathway to exceptional achievement Talent is Overrated will prove to you that the upper level of performance is not limited to a chosen few.

What do you think you need to practice in your relationship to make it better? It’s an interesting idea for marriage help. Is it showing a little more patience? Do you need compassion? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself or follow through with your promises.

It is always easier to identify what our partner can or should do. Often we can identify what we could do individually, but then we make up all kinds of reasons to avoid the practice of it.

If you know what you really need to do and shudder at the thought of doing it, you have probably identified your deliberate practice. Share some ideas here on the blog and then return in a few days to see what others have written.

And if you’d like to bring on the ultimate coach for some extraordinary marriage help, I’d encourage you to attend my couples workshop next weekend. There are still a few spaces available at this intense, economical, weekend that’s guaranteed to improve your relationship. For more information or to register click couples workshop.

Two words to improve your marriage? They worked for this grizzled ol’ communicator.

Yes it is possible – if they are the right words with the right meaning for the listener.

Here’s the story.

Ellyn and I were having one of those “go nowhere” disagreements that are familiar to most couples. In a split second, one person gets triggered which results in triggering the other. A small spark ignites some tinder and then a flash fire is started.

Suddenly and unexpectedly Ellyn said the magic two words. “You’re right.” That’s’ all it took. They not only slowed me down but doused the fire within.  The healing power of those two words was amazing.

In my family of origin I didn’t hear those words very often. And I seldom heard those words in my academic career. In high school I was in the part of the class that makes the upper half possible.

So hearing the words, “You’re right” gets my immediate attention. In fact, in almost any disagreement, all Ellyn has to do is say the magic words and I get calmer. This is true even if I know she is saying it just to get things calmer. Then we can talk with a clearer perspective.

Maybe it’s not words, but actions that get your mate’s attention. Ellyn loves it when I being her a Starbucks decaf latte Saturday and Sunday morning before she gets out of bed. For her it is a little bit of heaven and a nourishing way to begin her day. I don’t mind at all getting it for her because it means so much.

It only took us about 22 years to figure this out. That’s because we’re professionals. Normal people might take a little longer.

If you’d like to move forward faster in your relationship please consider attending my next couples workshop, “Coming From Your Heart.” It takes place this month on April 25-26.  And our generous guarantee makes it risk-free: if you don’t find that the workshop is worth every penny, we’ll refund your money. Click couples workshop to find out more.

So what about you? Do you have magic words that have a significant impact on your partner? Does your partner ever say something that means an enormous amount to you and calms you down so you can truly listen?

Or what about behaviors? Are there things you do to communicate love and affection to your partner? What actions from your mate warm your heart? Share your ideas here on the blog.

And if you don’t have any magic words or actions between you, consider having a discussion with your mate to try to find some. That’s a good place to start.

Till next time,

You’re right!

Pete