by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

Is your marriage like my computer screen?

Last Thursday Ellyn needed to use my laptop. She began typing and then I heard, “Ugh, how can you stand this? Your computer screen is really grimy.”

I looked and sure enough, it was even worse than I imagined. I simply had grown accustomed to it. But my one-upmanship came soon.

I opened her computer and exclaimed, “Holy Moley, how do you use this anyway?”  The letter “J” was missing, like an open sore on the keyboard. Six letters had print so faded I didn’t know what keys I was hitting. Curiously Ellyn said this was not a problem as she was used to it.

There it is. Grime, missing letters, indecipherable keyboard.  But we had slowly grown accustomed to them and barely noticed.

You’re probably wondering, “How can this help my marriage?”

The longer you procrastinate and acclimate, the longer it will take to keep issues clear and updated and the more effort it will be to tackle and change them.
So here are three exercises to clear the grime.

1. If you over- pursue your partner for time, intimacy or affection by initiating too much contact, cool your jets. Most people who pursue too much have a sense that they do it, but they often feel like they can’t help it. The harsh reality is that pining and whining is not sexy. Your partner feels suffocated and eventually will lose their passion and desire for connection. Back off for a week. You will survive OK.
2. Stop criticizing and complaining about your partner’s flaws. Mostly all you accomplish is triggering feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Even if your complaints are legitimate you are corroding your partner’s self esteem and your relationship.
3. Quit being so controlling. You know what I mean. You have to get your way on any issue you deem important. Money, vacations, leisure activities, parenting, how the house looks, etc.  Listen to some things your partner has been wanting and say, “Honey I have been thinking about how you have wanted xyz. Well I have been thinking and I agree with you and want to support your wish.”

There you go. That’s three ways to clean some grime off your relationship. Try one or more for a week and your partner may see you more clearly.

Note: For an in-depth tune-up of your marriage or relationship – not just cleaning off a little grime – attend my weekend workshop for couples. The next one takes place October 24-25. Click help my marriage to read about it.

by Molly Pearson

You may be surprised to find that this is not Peter Pearson speaking. No, I am the humble guest writer, his daughter Molly. Oftentimes my dad’s articles are inspired by interactions from the two of us that end with “man, there’s gotta be a lesson in there somewhere.” This time is no different. But since in this situation, I’m the offender, he entreated me to write it in exchange for exonerating my wrong.

I had just come home from a long day in San Francisco biking around Angel Island. On the traffic-infested drive home, I remembered that I had promised to do some work for my dad and we were going to review it that night. “Shoot!” I thought to myself. “It’s my boyfriend’s last night in town and the last thing I want to do is pore over pages of copy editing. I’ll ask Dad when I get home if we can push it back to another night.”

But the idea slipped from my mind as fast as it entered. I got home, grabbed a snack and Dad approached me. “Hey Molly, you gonna be ready to go over that work stuff tonight?” I sighed. He beat me to it, and this was only going to be an uphill battle. “Well dad… Since it’s Konrad’s last night…” I lamely replied, starting the dither of ugly excuses.

We waged back and forth for a minute, neither of us wanting to back down on our stance. Ultimately, I realized he was right, and no matter how much I blamed the fact that he hadn’t given me time to ask, or that “I swear I was thinking about it in the car!”, I should have approached him first.

But I couldn’t end the discussion without getting one final word in. “Argh, sometimes I just wanna punch you!” That prompted a barrel-chested laugh, and “‘You hate it when I’m right don’t you? You HATE it.” “No Dad, I don’t hate it when you’re right. I don’t mind if you’re right. You can be right all you want. I just hate it when I’m wrong.”

We had reached an impasse. He was frustrated with my excuses, but impressed by my distinction. I could see the wheels turning in his head. What a difference precise language makes. Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. How does this lead to relationship help? Maybe the problem in your relationship isn’t that your partner is “right all the time.”  Maybe the problem is your difficulty admitting that you are wrong. There is a definite difference between the two. Hmm, there’s gotta be a lesson in there somewhere.

Note: To learn even more about being right, admitting wrong, and other relationship help, attend my dad’s weekend workshop for couples. The next one takes place October 24-25. Click relationship help to read all about it, hear an audio sample, and read what past participants say about their experience.