Last time we discussed resentment. It’s one of the two major bogymen that cause most of your ineffective couple’s communications. The other is fear. When you are feeling fearful or highly anxious in a contentious discussion, you are most likely to regress into being one very ineffective communicator. Remember “”The Five Demons?” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. Anger is a secondary emotion that gets expressed after we feel the fear. Here’s what I mean.

If someone recklessly cuts you off when driving, your quick outward reaction may be one of anger, “You  #$!!*%*%%#.” But you felt fear before you expressed your anger.

The same is true when you get mad at your partner or vice versa. Each of you just sees the end result (the big five) from feeling that fear or emotional pain.

What is the fear you feel in a contentious discussion? Actually it is pretty universal for humans. We are afraid of rejection, being dismissed, loss of close connections, and loss of potential support, loving attention, acknowledgment or acceptance. So in addition to fearing these losses, we feel emotional pain about them.

But this fear of loss is not what gets expressed.

What comes out is defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, resentful compliance or so much confusion we can’t think straight.

The amount of fear and pain you feel depends on your own life experiences and the meaning you made of those experiences. So everyone reacts differently in heated discussions. But one thing is true for all of us-when we exceed our fear threshold, we will regress to The Five Demons of ineffective communication patterns.

When you are in a very intense contentious discussion, your reflex self-protective brain screams one thing, “Stop the fear and pain.”

A heap of pain in a contentious, sensitive discussion is like a five alarm fire. Your protective reflex has only one goal, “stop the pain/fear” At that point, your brain isn’t concerned with your happiness, spiritual development or any other enlightened aim. You instinctively fight back or withdraw.

When you’re in a discussion and you feel a single alarm going off, you can think more rationally. Be the first to listen actively and see the problem from your partner’s perspective. Keep reminding yourself that collaboration is better than first forcing your own perspective. Constructive disagreements can lead to innovative resolutions, and you’re in a better position to do this by listening actively.

The problem is compounded when something sets off a single alarm for one person, and that same comment provokes a four or five alarm reaction in the other person. Each one believes that the other person “just doesn’t get it.” Remember, almost all alarms are driven by some kind of fear.

When you are in a difficult dialogue with your partner, do you have any idea of how many alarms the topic represents for you and for the other person?

Would you be able to discuss this concept with them?

Would you be able to discuss the fear or anxiety that creates The Five Demon response?

If you trigger a five alarm fire, take a time out to regroup to have a more friendly discussion.

And remember that during the holidays high expectations, difficult family histories, complicated relationships and busy schedules can conspire for some highly charged moments. Take a deep breath and consider how many alarms are going off for your partner before resorting to those old ineffective responses.

To comment, go to the title at the top of this posting and look for the comment link on the right side just below the title. I look forward to your replies.

Until next time,

Pete

P.S. We are offering 15% off all of our products for one more week. It lasts until January 4, 2010. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. My next workshop takes place February 27-28, and the 15% discount is worth over $100. If you’ve been thinking about attending, please do. For more information or to register, visit our website.

Last week I wrote about the five major categories of ineffective coping responses that people use when under stress. They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. We’ll call them The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.

Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctional communication.

It’s tough to eliminate resentment because there is often a big part of us that doesn’t want to give it up. An enlightened voice within us may believe we should release it, but it’s often the less influential voice on our internal board of directors. So we hang on to the resentments. One client argued, “It’s my reward for suffering and putting up with so much B.S.”   But nursing our resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

One big problem with resentment is that it makes us feel helpless. And unless the other person changes, we are stuck in our own misery.  To top it off, our resentment makes us so unpleasant, the other person has little incentive to repair the situation.

Right now, in the midst of holiday season, you might feel too busy to pay attention to your marriage or relationship. When you’re extra busy or your family obligations are stressing you, that’s when you most need to take an introspective look. The more resentful you feel, the more likely you will revert to The Five Demons of ineffective coping responses.

If you are holding onto resentments, what is the price you are paying?

Next time we discuss the mother of all crippling emotions – fear.

Until then,
Pete

P.S. I am pleased to offer 15% off all of our products ordered between now and January 4. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. If you’ve thought of attending Pete’s workshop, February is a good time to do it.  The 15% discount is worth over $100. Also, this will be the last workshop in the current location. After we find a new venue, we might need to increase the price. For more information or to register, visit our website.

As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner.  Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.

Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.

Five Categories of Ineffective Communication

1. Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.
2. Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.
3. Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.
4. Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.
5. Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.

To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions. If you can’t resist, the only other solution is to find a partner who doesn’t do any of these  – even when they’re up to their neck in alligators!

Which one of these patterns do you commonly use when the stress gets too high? To post a comment, click the “comment” link at the top of the article, right under the title on the right hand side.

Next time we’ll talk about the two basic emotions that are the basis of these reactions.

Until then,

Pete