Success = self knowledge plus determination
Self knowledge = your attitudes and skills necessary for greater relationship satisfaction
Determination = doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it

Think about it. If you have comments or if you come up with your own formula, please share your ideas by clicking the “comments” link above. It’s under the title on the right hand side.

Till next time,
Pete

Here is what I mean. A pattern is a combination of qualities, acts, or tendencies that form a predictable sequence of outcomes in your marriage. The outcomes can be positive or negative.

First, start by becoming aware of recurring actions and reactions.

Here is what a negative pattern would look like.

Pat gets ignored by Terry.

Pat feels hurt and unimportant when ignored by Terry.

Pat reacts by sniping and getting critical of Terry.

Terry reacts by sniping back, getting defensive and then emotionally disengaging from Pat.

Pat feels ignored even more by Terry. Pat grumbles to friends and the friends are supportive of Pat. Pat stops sniping and emotionally withdraws from Terry.

Terry is glad Pat stops sniping. But is puzzled why Pat is distant. All they talk about are kids, roles and responsibilities to manage their complex lives. The discussions are important but both partners end up feeling emotionally shallow.

Neither takes an emotional risk to say what they feel and miss.

Wash, rinse, repeat for twenty two years. Kids leave home. Pat and Terry feel like they are strangers to each other.

And they are.

What can break this pattern?

It starts with awareness.

Here’s what I mean. They each think, “When I feel X what do I do about it? Do I take the risk and speak up directly? Or do I communicate what I feel indirectly? When I communicate indirectly (for example, by sniping), what is the response I get (defensiveness)? When I get a defensive response from my partner, how do I respond (withdrawal after sniping back)?”

And then, “What happens when I stop sniping and withdraw?”

“Oh, we are civil but have no emotional connection.”

Now comes the big question. “Do I choose to break MY pattern?”

Basically it is very difficult to break old patterns and sustain new ones when there is no awareness about them.

Being aware is a crucial first step. The vast majority of couples in my practice have total clarity about what their partner does that is dysfunctional. But they have little awareness of the impact of their own dysfunctionality on their partner. They simply keep repeating the dysfunctional pattern and hoping the partner gets the message and responds with new and improved response.

So here is a three step approach to a better relationship.

1. Be aware of what you both do that keeps getting repeated in a negative way.
2. Decide you want to break your part of the cycle.
3. Tell your partner what you have observed and what you are going to do differently and why you are going to do it. Your motivation is going to be for one reason only, which will keep you out of a trap. You are going to be motivated by the desire to become a better person when faced with adversity. You are going to become bigger than the problem instead of the problem being bigger than you are. You are going to do it because you will feel better about yourself and not criticize your partner if they don’t immediately jump on your bandwagon of change.

And that, dear reader, is the first and most effective step to creating a better you and a better relationship.

Now, should you falter and need some additional tools to transform your relationship, there is hope in another form.

It comes in the form of a weekend workshop for couples. There is some urgency to this announcement. The next one takes place at the end of this month on Feb 27-28 and after this one, the current location in Santa Clara, California will no longer be available on Sundays. This has created a significant problem for me.

I need to find a new location that meets multiple criteria. That is not easy so I don’t know when I will find a place or when I will do the next workshop after this one.

For more information or to register for this marvelous weekend click couples workshop.

As one participant put it rather eloquently, “It is the fastest way to make the greatest change in the shortest amount of time for the least amount of money.”

All the exercises during the weekend are just between you and your partner so you can have as much privacy as you wish.

Read the description and the testimonials on the website, and get ready of a workshop full of growth, connection and laughter. It is from 9-5 on Saturday Feb 27 and 9-4 on Sunday the 28th.

Till next time,

Pete

In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge.  But we also have other internal competing interests.

One part of you wants to:

• Eat what you want now vs. lose those extra pounds
• Exercise vs. stay on the couch
• Save for the future vs. buy something now
• Take it easy vs. work hard for a future goal
• Procrastinate vs. get it over with
• Speak up vs. keep the peace
• Be self disclosing vs. play it safe and be silent
• Spend time with spouse vs. find precious time to be alone
• Respond to needs of kids vs. respond to your own rest and relaxation needs
• Express resentments vs. try to let them pass
• Express what I want from my partner vs. hope they will figure it out

And the grand champion of all internal conflicts: the spectacular number of new year’s resolutions that are broken by now or will be in the next 30 days.

These kinds of internal conflicts are normal. The vast majority of people have these push-pull conflicts in many areas of their lives. We feel neurotic because neither side feels satisfied when we can’t seem to break this internal logjam.

Each side of us is afraid the other side will gain the upper hand. Each side is afraid it will be discounted, dismissed, or rejected. We all have these splits within us and each side believes it has the virtue of righteousness behind its voice. There is always a positive intent embedded in each perspective. But too often we don’t slow down enough to understand each voice. Instead we just feel crazy.

What internal conflicts are you struggling with, and what are the positive intents of each side? Click the comment link under the title at the top of this article to share your comments with me and other readers.

Until next time,

Pete

P.S. My next couples’ workshop takes place in one month. It is on Saturday and Sunday, February 27-28 in Santa Clara, California. For more information including an audio clip from a past workshop or to register, visit the couples’ workshop page of my website.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. Anger is a secondary emotion that gets expressed after we feel the fear. Here’s what I mean.

If someone recklessly cuts you off when driving, your quick outward reaction may be one of anger, “You  #$!!*%*%%#.” But you felt fear before you expressed your anger.

The same is true when you get mad at your partner or vice versa. Each of you just sees the end result (the big five) from feeling that fear or emotional pain.

What is the fear you feel in a contentious discussion? Actually it is pretty universal for humans. We are afraid of rejection, being dismissed, loss of close connections, and loss of potential support, loving attention, acknowledgment or acceptance. So in addition to fearing these losses, we feel emotional pain about them.

But this fear of loss is not what gets expressed.

What comes out is defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, resentful compliance or so much confusion we can’t think straight.

The amount of fear and pain you feel depends on your own life experiences and the meaning you made of those experiences. So everyone reacts differently in heated discussions. But one thing is true for all of us-when we exceed our fear threshold, we will regress to The Five Demons of ineffective communication patterns.

When you are in a very intense contentious discussion, your reflex self-protective brain screams one thing, “Stop the fear and pain.”

A heap of pain in a contentious, sensitive discussion is like a five alarm fire. Your protective reflex has only one goal, “stop the pain/fear” At that point, your brain isn’t concerned with your happiness, spiritual development or any other enlightened aim. You instinctively fight back or withdraw.

When you’re in a discussion and you feel a single alarm going off, you can think more rationally. Be the first to listen actively and see the problem from your partner’s perspective. Keep reminding yourself that collaboration is better than first forcing your own perspective. Constructive disagreements can lead to innovative resolutions, and you’re in a better position to do this by listening actively.

The problem is compounded when something sets off a single alarm for one person, and that same comment provokes a four or five alarm reaction in the other person. Each one believes that the other person “just doesn’t get it.” Remember, almost all alarms are driven by some kind of fear.

When you are in a difficult dialogue with your partner, do you have any idea of how many alarms the topic represents for you and for the other person?

Would you be able to discuss this concept with them?

Would you be able to discuss the fear or anxiety that creates The Five Demon response?

If you trigger a five alarm fire, take a time out to regroup to have a more friendly discussion.

And remember that during the holidays high expectations, difficult family histories, complicated relationships and busy schedules can conspire for some highly charged moments. Take a deep breath and consider how many alarms are going off for your partner before resorting to those old ineffective responses.

To comment, go to the title at the top of this posting and look for the comment link on the right side just below the title. I look forward to your replies.

Until next time,

Pete

P.S. We are offering 15% off all of our products for one more week. It lasts until January 4, 2010. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. My next workshop takes place February 27-28, and the 15% discount is worth over $100. If you’ve been thinking about attending, please do. For more information or to register, visit our website.

Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctional communication.

It’s tough to eliminate resentment because there is often a big part of us that doesn’t want to give it up. An enlightened voice within us may believe we should release it, but it’s often the less influential voice on our internal board of directors. So we hang on to the resentments. One client argued, “It’s my reward for suffering and putting up with so much B.S.”   But nursing our resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

One big problem with resentment is that it makes us feel helpless. And unless the other person changes, we are stuck in our own misery.  To top it off, our resentment makes us so unpleasant, the other person has little incentive to repair the situation.

Right now, in the midst of holiday season, you might feel too busy to pay attention to your marriage or relationship. When you’re extra busy or your family obligations are stressing you, that’s when you most need to take an introspective look. The more resentful you feel, the more likely you will revert to The Five Demons of ineffective coping responses.

If you are holding onto resentments, what is the price you are paying?

Next time we discuss the mother of all crippling emotions – fear.

Until then,
Pete

P.S. I am pleased to offer 15% off all of our products ordered between now and January 4. The discount will show up as part of the checkout process if you order online. You can also order by phone at 650-327-5915 or toll free 877-327-5915, or by email at admin@couplesinstitute.com. If you’ve thought of attending Pete’s workshop, February is a good time to do it.  The 15% discount is worth over $100. Also, this will be the last workshop in the current location. After we find a new venue, we might need to increase the price. For more information or to register, visit our website.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.

Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.

Five Categories of Ineffective Communication

1. Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.
2. Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.
3. Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.
4. Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.
5. Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.

To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions. If you can’t resist, the only other solution is to find a partner who doesn’t do any of these  – even when they’re up to their neck in alligators!

Which one of these patterns do you commonly use when the stress gets too high? To post a comment, click the “comment” link at the top of the article, right under the title on the right hand side.

Next time we’ll talk about the two basic emotions that are the basis of these reactions.

Until then,

Pete

But here’s the bad news: when they play a demanding role six times a week for several years, the part can get stale. When performers start sleep walking through the role, the end is near.

The challenge is how to stay fresh and leave the audience spellbound after a thousand performances .

What do they do? They keep finding fresh ways of expressing themselves while maintaining the integrity of the character and the play. This requires creativity and the willingness to dig deep within themselves to develop the nuances to stay fresh for every performance.

Screen actors need only to hit the perfect notes once and the performance is captured forever. Live actors don’t have that luxury.

So what is the connection to your relationship? It seems to me in the beginning of a relationship, most of the right notes are hit. They are easy and effortless. True love is finally found.

Over time, the routine sets in. The script becomes predictable. You stop digging deeper to keep things fresh. The play becomes stale. The finger pointing (silently or out loud) begins. The show is in danger of shutting down.

BUT you have advantages that the best actors on Broadway don’t have. You are not limited to the same script every day. You are both the actor and director in your relationship play.

If you don’t like how a scene is being played out, you can change the dialogue, the intensity, the meaning of it, and even the timing of it. ( “Let’s finish this scene later when we both have more energy.”)

Because you and your partner are both the architects and the main actors in your play, you have enormous latitude to energize specific scenes: coming home after work, going to bed, weekend chores, vacations, holidays, parenting, daily responsibilities, managing money, etc.

Keep looking for ways to energize and stay fresh with your partner.

Till next time,

Pete

P.S. To comment on this posting, click the “comment” link under the title on the right hand side. Then scroll to the bottom of the page to share your thoughts. Remember to click “submit comment” when you are done.

Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.

Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve had it with constantly arguing, or never getting lasting results. It could be parenting, money, sex, chores or anything else that has a negative history.

This time you are determined the conversation will be different. The stakes are high. You both realize you are on the same team and not adversaries. Now you can apply soothing aloe to the burn of high stress conversations.

Here is what you each do. Decide on a topic. Take an index card or sheet of paper. Write down how you want your partner to feel after the discussion. Simply write the qualities (not the actions) you hope they would feel. For example, respected, loved, accepted, considered, etc.

On the other side, write down how you would need to be in order for you partner to feel that way. For example, you might write, I need to be compassionate, a good listener, open, tactfully direct, respectful, etc.

Then go ahead and have your discussion. This discussion doesn’t need to have a resolution to count as a success (although it may happen spontaneously). You are changing the way you talk about a difficult topic. The negotiation comes later if the topic needs to be negotiated. Remember, you are creating a major breakthrough by changing the process of how you discuss a tough topic. This will guide you through many problem discussions in the future.

If you push too fast for a solution you are simply responding to your own impatient anxiety, which messes up even the best intentions to change the way you talk about a topic.

This communication tool is the fine art of cooperation at its best. Cooperation and consideration are the heart of resolving any conflict. By focusing on how you want your partner to feel at the end of the dialogue, you are opening yourself up to a different kind of negotiation tactic. You’re adding a new tool in your toolbox.

There you have it. Focus on how you want your partner to feel and focus on how you will bring that about. The more you do your part, the easier it is for your partner to do his part. Each of you commits to try this experiment at least three times.

If you don’t like it, you can always go back to the old ways. But remember, each of you must make the commitment to what you wrote down. Otherwise it won’t work.

Don’t point fingers if your partner is not perfect. Give credit for trying something different.

It is simple (I didn’t say easy) when you focus on the right things.

Do it and congratulate each other for breaking your old patterns and feeling better at the finish line.

However, can you really
change something
you don’t understand?

How deeply do you
know what your partner
fears
thinks
believes
hopes for
in the area you seek change?

Know these answers and you will both benefit.

If you do not
thoroughly seek
these answers
stop whining.

For most of us, this ain’t easy. Including me.

till next time,
Pete

P.S. What are some things your partner might fear, think, believe or hope for in the area you seek to change? Click “comments” under the title to share your ideas. Be sure to click “submit comment” so that your ideas get published.

P.P.S. If you really want to stop whining and improve your marriage, don’t miss my weekend workshop for couples, which takes place next month. Click couples workshop for more information including a free audio clip from a past workshop.

Last Thursday Ellyn needed to use my laptop. She began typing and then I heard, “Ugh, how can you stand this? Your computer screen is really grimy.”

I looked and sure enough, it was even worse than I imagined. I simply had grown accustomed to it. But my one-upmanship came soon.

I opened her computer and exclaimed, “Holy Moley, how do you use this anyway?”  The letter “J” was missing, like an open sore on the keyboard. Six letters had print so faded I didn’t know what keys I was hitting. Curiously Ellyn said this was not a problem as she was used to it.

There it is. Grime, missing letters, indecipherable keyboard.  But we had slowly grown accustomed to them and barely noticed.

You’re probably wondering, “How can this help my marriage?”

The longer you procrastinate and acclimate, the longer it will take to keep issues clear and updated and the more effort it will be to tackle and change them.
So here are three exercises to clear the grime.

1. If you over- pursue your partner for time, intimacy or affection by initiating too much contact, cool your jets. Most people who pursue too much have a sense that they do it, but they often feel like they can’t help it. The harsh reality is that pining and whining is not sexy. Your partner feels suffocated and eventually will lose their passion and desire for connection. Back off for a week. You will survive OK.
2. Stop criticizing and complaining about your partner’s flaws. Mostly all you accomplish is triggering feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Even if your complaints are legitimate you are corroding your partner’s self esteem and your relationship.
3. Quit being so controlling. You know what I mean. You have to get your way on any issue you deem important. Money, vacations, leisure activities, parenting, how the house looks, etc.  Listen to some things your partner has been wanting and say, “Honey I have been thinking about how you have wanted xyz. Well I have been thinking and I agree with you and want to support your wish.”

There you go. That’s three ways to clean some grime off your relationship. Try one or more for a week and your partner may see you more clearly.

Note: For an in-depth tune-up of your marriage or relationship – not just cleaning off a little grime – attend my weekend workshop for couples. The next one takes place October 24-25. Click help my marriage to read about it.