Do You Argue or Do You Avoid Conflict in Your Marriage?

Pete Pearson — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:19:08 +0100

Very few people actually like conflict. They may like the outcome when they “win” an argument but I don’t think they enjoy the negative effects on their partner.

If you “win” an argument, do you think your partner feels closer to you? More emotionally connected? Better about the trajectory of the relationship?

If arguments are so hazardous, doesn’t it seem logical to avoid them at all costs?

Well, that is the philosophy of...

Feeling Disconnected in Your Marriage?

Pete Pearson — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:37:34 +0100

Emotional connections. At the core, this is what creates marriages that flourish – emotional connections in the areas of roles, responsibilities, and affection in all its glorious forms. Without emotional connections, you can have a pleasant roommate experience and no more. The depth and breadth of emotional connections is what makes your mate special to you and you to them.

In my work of over twenty-five years of counseling couples with every imaginable prob...

A Relationship Lesson From the Greatest College Coach of all Time

Pete Pearson — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 15:55:56 +0100

I have a guest columnist today. It's Matt Sargeant, a recent Princeton graduate who played basketball there and is a big fan of John Wooden, the greatest college basketball coach of all time.

Can couples learn about teamwork from John Wooden? He took over an undistinguished, faltering program at UCLA in 1948 and never had a losing season when he retired in 1975. He won 10 national championships in 12 years including 7 in a row.

He often used this Wil...

The Care Package for Your Relationship

Pete Pearson — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 16:19:50 +0100

When two people work together to improve their relationship, progress can be remarkable. You’ve probably heard of the acronym TEAM, meaning “Together Each Accomplishes More." It is a very powerful guideline for the concept of a good team. And your marriage or relationship is probably the most important team that you’re on.

So TEAM is the concept for improving your relationship today. Here’s the drill. Think of it as a care package for your relationship.

What happens when you both hate arguing?

Pete Pearson — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 14:29:15 +0100

Most people don’t like the tension that comes from disagreements, fighting, and loud voices, so they psychologically or emotionally contort how they speak to each other to avoid the tension.

But what happens when this approach is taken too far?

Here’s the ultimate penalty. One couple poignantly described it to me in the office. “We stopped telling each other the truth, and then there was nothing left to say.”

...

A Brief Look at the Cause and Cure for Relationship Ailments

Pete Pearson — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 14:13:01 +0100

Here is the distress pattern of most (but not all) couples:

When one person is triggered by feeling rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

They respond with
aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Which then triggers their partner to feel
rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

Which leads to responding with aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Finally, a Good Use for Procrastination

Pete Pearson — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:20:14 +0100

We all procrastinate in some place in our lives and generally we are critical of ourselves for doing it.

Now you can harness the tenacity of the procrastination habit and make your life better at the same time.

Simply apply it to the habit of worrying. Whenever you start to worry, just say to yourself, "I will worry later when I have some solid evidence that I need to worry. Until then I will postpone my worry and do it later."

That's it. Put your worry off...

The Complaint Free Zone

Pete Pearson — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:19:17 +0100

In the last two blogs I described how our daughter Molly slept on the mattress from hell while we were on vacation, without squawking about it at all.

I then threw out a challenge for all of us to go a week without complaining or whining.

Here's what I discovered. I don't whine a lot but I can still stew, fret or worry. This didn't come as a surprise but it did help clarify the distinction between whining and worry.

Whining = to snivel or complain in a self-pityi...

The Mattress From Hell, Part Two

Pete Pearson — Thu, 27 May 2010 21:00:00 +0100

In my last column, I talked about our daughter Molly’s not complaining about sleeping on the mattress from hell in our vacation condo. I remarked to Molly that she actually doesn’t seem to be much of a complainer at all and inquired how she developed her great attitude.

It is not like she is passive and simply accepts whatever fate deals her at any given moment. She is pretty assertive.

Here is her explanation of why complaining is not much of an option.

“It started wh...

Cheap Mattresses and a Good Marriage

Pete Pearson — Sun, 16 May 2010 21:00:00 +0100

The situation: our family vacation in a one bedroom condo in Hawaii

The problem: Our daughter Molly wakes up from sleeping on a lumpy, scratchy, sorry excuse for a sofa bed mattress. It’s not much thicker than a credit card.

The discovery: I sat on the edge of this folded out “thing” disguised as mattress and uttered a spontaneous, “Wow, what the heck is this thing anyway? Molly, how are you able to sleep on this? You haven’t been complaining about this at all.”

Molly...

Want a real good reason to get along better with your mate?

Pete Pearson — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 21:00:00 +0100

There is a good article in The New York Times Magazine, (April 18, 2010, p. 56, Tara Parker-Pope) about the negative health effects of a distressed marriage.

A stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit. It can also weaken your immune system and make wounds take longer to heal.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to a lot of people that a distressed relationship can have an unhealthy effect on your body. (I will resist Tiger Woods jokes here.)...

Let’s Play A Game: Design Your Mate

Pete Pearson — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 21:00:00 +0100

I think everybody has a partner with a habit or flaw they would like to eliminate, tweak or fix. So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print the list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

Attractive
Int...

Is This the Formula for Marriage Success?

Pete Pearson — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:00:00 +0100

I’m always thinking about marriage, relationships, and what it takes to be successful in them. Here’s a formula I’ve come up with:

Success = self knowledge plus determination
Self knowledge = your attitudes and skills necessary for greater relationship satisfaction
Determination = doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it

Think about it. If you have comments or if you come up with your own formula, please share your ideas by clicking the “commen...

The First Step to a Better Marriage

Pete Pearson — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 22:00:00 +0100

There is a way of improving your marriage pretty darn fast. It takes awareness of one aspect of your relationship: patterns.

Here is what I mean. A pattern is a combination of qualities, acts, or tendencies that form a predictable sequence of outcomes in your marriage. The outcomes can be positive or negative.

First, start by becoming aware of recurring actions and reactions.

Here is what a negative pattern would look like.

Pat gets ignored by Terry.

Pa...

Why Fear Makes Us Feel Neurotic

Pete Pearson — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 22:00:00 +0100

We’re taking a close look at the “Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. Fear contributes to all of these behaviors.

In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge. But we also have other internal competing interests.

One part of you wants to:

Eat what you want now vs. lose those ...

What Fear Does to Your Couple’s Communication

Pete Pearson — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Last time we discussed resentment. It’s one of the two major bogymen that cause most of your ineffective couple’s communications. The other is fear. When you are feeling fearful or highly anxious in a contentious discussion, you are most likely to regress into being one very ineffective communicator. Remember “”The Five Demons?” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. Anger is a secondary emotion th...

Don’t Poison Your Couple’s Communication

Pete Pearson — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Last week I wrote about the five major categories of ineffective coping responses that people use when under stress. They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. We’ll call them The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.

Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctional communication...

The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication

Pete Pearson — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce ...

Energize Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Relationship Gets Boring

Pete Pearson — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Of course it’s great news for actors to get a prized role on Broadway and star in a play that lasts for years.

But here’s the bad news: when they play a demanding role six times a week for several years, the part can get stale. When performers start sleep walking through the role, the end is near.

The challenge is how to stay fresh and leave the audience spellbound after a thousand performances .

What do they do? They keep finding fresh ways of expressing themselves wh...

The World’s Simplest Couple’s Communication Technique

Pete Pearson — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:00:00 +0100

A lot of stuff gets printed about communication for couples. However, effective communication on a sensitive topic requires just FOCUS. That’s right. Focus on two things and your communication success will soar.

Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.

Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve had it with c...

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