Blog entries

Finally, a Good Use for Procrastination

Pete Pearson — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:20:14 +0100

We all procrastinate in some place in our lives and generally we are critical of ourselves for doing it.

Now you can harness the tenacity of the procrastination habit and make your life better at the same time.

Simply apply it to the habit of worrying. Whenever you start to worry, just say to yourself, "I will worry later when I have some solid evidence that I need to worry. Until then I will postpone my worry and do it later."

That's it. Put your worry off ti...

The Complaint Free Zone

Pete Pearson — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:19:17 +0100

In the last two blogs I described how our daughter Molly slept on the mattress from hell while we were on vacation, without squawking about it at all.

I then threw out a challenge for all of us to go a week without complaining or whining.

Here's what I discovered. I don't whine a lot but I can still stew, fret or worry. This didn't come as a surprise but it did help clarify the distinction between whining and worry.

Whining = to snivel or complain in a self-pitying ...

The Mattress From Hell, Part Two

Pete Pearson — Thu, 27 May 2010 21:00:00 +0100

In my last column, I talked about our daughter Molly’s not complaining about sleeping on the mattress from hell in our vacation condo. I remarked to Molly that she actually doesn’t seem to be much of a complainer at all and inquired how she developed her great attitude.

It is not like she is passive and simply accepts whatever fate deals her at any given moment. She is pretty assertive.

Here is her explanation of why complaining is not much of an option.

&ldqu...

Cheap Mattresses and a Good Marriage

Pete Pearson — Sun, 16 May 2010 21:00:00 +0100

The situation: our family vacation in a one bedroom condo in Hawaii

The problem: Our daughter Molly wakes up from sleeping on a lumpy, scratchy, sorry excuse for a sofa bed mattress. It’s not much thicker than a credit card.

The discovery: I sat on the edge of this folded out “thing” disguised as mattress and uttered a spontaneous, “Wow, what the heck is this thing anyway? Molly, how are you able to sleep on this? You haven’t been complaining about...

Want a real good reason to get along better with your mate?

Pete Pearson — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 21:00:00 +0100

There is a good article in The New York Times Magazine, (April 18, 2010, p. 56, Tara Parker-Pope) about the negative health effects of a distressed marriage.

A stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit. It can also weaken your immune system and make wounds take longer to heal.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to a lot of people that a distressed relationship can have an unhealthy effect on your body. (I will resist Tiger Woods jokes he...

Let’s Play A Game: Design Your Mate

Pete Pearson — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 21:00:00 +0100

I think everybody has a partner with a habit or flaw they would like to eliminate, tweak or fix. So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print the list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

Attractive...

Is This the Formula for Marriage Success?

Pete Pearson — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:00:00 +0100

I’m always thinking about marriage, relationships, and what it takes to be successful in them. Here’s a formula I’ve come up with:

Success = self knowledge plus determination
Self knowledge = your attitudes and skills necessary for greater relationship satisfaction
Determination = doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it

Think about it. If you have comments or if you come up with your own formula, please share your ideas b...

The First Step to a Better Marriage

Pete Pearson — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 22:00:00 +0100

There is a way of improving your marriage pretty darn fast. It takes awareness of one aspect of your relationship: patterns.

Here is what I mean. A pattern is a combination of qualities, acts, or tendencies that form a predictable sequence of outcomes in your marriage. The outcomes can be positive or negative.

First, start by becoming aware of recurring actions and reactions.

Here is what a negative pattern would look like.

Pat gets ignored by Terry.

Pat fee...

Why Fear Makes Us Feel Neurotic

Pete Pearson — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 22:00:00 +0100

We’re taking a close look at the “Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. Fear contributes to all of these behaviors.

In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge. But we also have other internal competing interests.

One part of you wants to:

...

What Fear Does to Your Couple’s Communication

Pete Pearson — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Last time we discussed resentment. It’s one of the two major bogymen that cause most of your ineffective couple’s communications. The other is fear. When you are feeling fearful or highly anxious in a contentious discussion, you are most likely to regress into being one very ineffective communicator. Remember “”The Five Demons?” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. An...

Don’t Poison Your Couple’s Communication

Pete Pearson — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Last week I wrote about the five major categories of ineffective coping responses that people use when under stress. They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. We’ll call them The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.

Today we’ll consider the first of two basic emotions that are the basis of The Five Demons. Like Abbott and Costello, fear and resentment tend to travel in pairs. These two emotions are the twin pillars of most dysfunctio...

The Five Demons of Couples’ Communication

Pete Pearson — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:00:00 +0100

As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce e...

Energize Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Relationship Gets Boring

Pete Pearson — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:00:00 +0100

Of course it’s great news for actors to get a prized role on Broadway and star in a play that lasts for years.

But here’s the bad news: when they play a demanding role six times a week for several years, the part can get stale. When performers start sleep walking through the role, the end is near.

The challenge is how to stay fresh and leave the audience spellbound after a thousand performances .

What do they do? They keep finding fresh ways of expressing them...

The World’s Simplest Couple’s Communication Technique

Pete Pearson — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:00:00 +0100

A lot of stuff gets printed about communication for couples. However, effective communication on a sensitive topic requires just FOCUS. That’s right. Focus on two things and your communication success will soar.

Do this and you will look like star graduates of the Dale Carnegie school of How to Win Friends and Influence Your Spouse.

Imagine this scenario: You can no longer avoid a high twitch or volatile topic and you are sick of discussions going nowhere. You’ve had...

Ode to a better marriage

Pete Pearson — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:00:00 +0100

You can,
if you wish,
influence your partner to change
in ways that could
make your life
more comfortable.

However, can you really
change something
you don’t understand?

How deeply do you
know what your partner
fears
thinks
believes
hopes for
in the area you seek change?

Know these answers and you will both benefit.

If you do not
thoroughly seek
these answers
stop ...

Clean Some Grime Off Your Relationship

Pete Pearson — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:00:00 +0100

by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

Is your marriage like my computer screen?

Last Thursday Ellyn needed to use my laptop. She began typing and then I heard, “Ugh, how can you stand this? Your computer screen is really grimy.”

I looked and sure enough, it was even worse than I imagined. I simply had grown accustomed to it. But my one-upmanship came soon.

I opened her computer and exclaimed, “Holy Moley, how do you use this anyway?” The lette...

Don’t you just hate it when your partner is right?

Pete Pearson — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:00:00 +0100

by Molly Pearson

You may be surprised to find that this is not Peter Pearson speaking. No, I am the humble guest writer, his daughter Molly. Oftentimes my dad’s articles are inspired by interactions from the two of us that end with “man, there’s gotta be a lesson in there somewhere.” This time is no different. But since in this situation, I’m the offender, he entreated me to write it in exchange for exonerating my wrong.

I had just come home from a ...

Just How Hard Can an Apology Be, Anyway?

Pete Pearson — Wed, 06 May 2009 21:00:00 +0100

by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

I like this little poem by Jeff Moss:

I’m Going to Say I’m Sorry

I’m going to say I’m sorry.
It’s time for this quarrel to end.
I know that we both didn’t mean it
and each of us misses a friend.
It isn’t much fun being angry
and arguing’s just the worst.
So I’m going to say I&rsq...

World Class Relationships

Pete Pearson — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 21:00:00 +0100

By Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

What separates world class performers from everybody else?

I’ve just about finished reading a captivating book called Talent Is Overrated by Geoff Colvin, the Senior Editor at Large of Fortune magazine.

I have held the notion that hard work and innate talent were key factors in outstanding success of world class performers. Mr. Colvin comprehensively looks at the science behind the highest levels of achievement and bursts my delusion.

Two words to improve your marriage

Pete Pearson — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:00:00 +0100

Two words to improve your marriage? They worked for this grizzled ol’ communicator.

Yes it is possible – if they are the right words with the right meaning for the listener.

Here’s the story.

Ellyn and I were having one of those “go nowhere” disagreements that are familiar to most couples. In a split second, one person gets triggered which results in triggering the other. A small spark ignites some tinder and then a ...