The Couples Institute

by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

I like this little poem by Jeff Moss:

I’m Going to Say I’m Sorry

I’m going to say I’m sorry.
It’s time for this quarrel to end.
I know that we both didn’t mean it
and each of us misses a friend.
It isn’t much fun being angry
and arguing’s just the worst.
So I’m going to say I’m sorry . . .
just as soon as you say it first!

It’s not easy to apologize – at least not for most of us. We know the usual suspects that get in the way. Pride. Vulnerability.  Fear that the admission to be used against us later. Or maybe we are already so self-critical, apologizing just adds to the misery.

But think about how you feel when your partner apologizes first. They take the risk and quiet their screeching voice that says you should go first. And you feel a sense of relief and just a little closer.

Nobody can live in a committed interconnected relationship without occasionally being offensive, obnoxious, insensitive, or boorish.

I have written an article about how to structure a good apology  so I won’t repeat it here. You can read it at how to apologize.

I just want to remind you that in the past week or two it is likely you have done (or not done) something that was annoying or disappointing for your partner. Maybe it was just some unpleasant bodily function. Consider apologizing for it. Go first. It’s good practice.

You don’t need to do the full Monty apology but just a simple, “Honey do you remember when I did  xxxxxxx? Well, I’m sorry and I apologize for being insensitive.”

That’s it. Just take a deep breath and apologize. If you do it with some amount of sincerity, you have just given your partner and your relationship a gift.

And a gift from the heart can be worth its weight in gold.

Till next time,

Pete

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson, Founders and Directors of The Couples Institute, have been helping couples resolve issues and create strong, loving relationships since 1984. They have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For information on their convenient, affordable membership program to click here to improve your marriage or relationship.