The Couples Institute

I think everybody has a partner with a habit or flaw they would like to eliminate, tweak or fix. So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print the list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

Attractive
Intelligent
Sensitive
Interesting
Enjoys sex about as often as you do
Fun loving
Wants as many kids as you do
Great parent
Has interesting hobbies
Values good health
Enjoys their work
Likes animals
Honest
Loves you for who you are
Great sense of humor
Loves taking care of others
Gives you all the space you want when you want it
Sparkling conversationalist
Loves cooking for you
Enjoys the same foods, movies, music and sports
Manages money well and is great investor
Has the right amount of social and physical energy
Great travel companion
Has the same sense of adventure
Loves what they do professionally and the sky is the limit
Knows just how much to tease you
Trustworthy
Wants to talk when you do
Is interested in your day if you want to talk about it
Is willing to go to therapy (just in case)

Wow, what an ideal partner. And he or she is all yours.  Just keep reading.

Now that you have described your dream partner, let’s do Part Two. For every four positive traits, you now need to include one negative. Because we are all flawed creatures, we have to balance the picture.

Look at  the list below and make choose one characteristic for every four on your original list. What are you willing to live with in order to have all those juicy positives? In this scenario, the negatives are fixed and pretty permanent.

Remember the ratio is 4:1. Count your list of positive traits and divide by 4 to see how many traits you need to select from the list below.

Insecure
Bi-polar
Narcissistic
Passive aggressive
Conflict avoidant
Hairy back
Lazy
Not interested in sex when you are
Addictive to video games or other internet activities
Doesn’t want the same number of kids you do
Bad in bed
Loves eating bad foods
Addicted
Forgets birthdays and anniversaries
Unmotivated
Stingy
Jealous
Insecure
Really embarrassing fashion style
Messy
Nags
Chews with mouth open
Snores loud enough to scare small animals
No sense of humor
Watches waaay too much T.V
Has the emotional range of linoleum
Trapped in go nowhere job and doesn’t mind it
Spends way over the budget
Interrupts and doesn’t listen well
Swears a lot
Tendency toward chronic depression
Too much overweight or underweight
No common activities
Has unpleasant friends
Bad health

There you have it – a real live human being who is complex, annoying, loving, and full of contradictions.

Part Three: Try to evaluate yourself against these lists and look at the ratio you bring to your relationship. Do you see the same plusses and minuses as your partner sees in you?

And then ask, what are the most important qualities that you value about yourself? And what are the most important qualities you value about your partner?

If you did Part Three, congratulations.  Me? I found it easier to write this column then do Part Three.

I look forward to reading your results on the blog! Scroll to the bottom of the page, type your comment into the box, and click “Add Comment.”

Till next time,
Pete

P.S. If you’d rather work to improve the relationship you’re already in, try our audio on “Rapid Relationship Repair.” It is a way of digging out of a hole in a hurry when you start down one of those frustrating downward spirals and you both know it’s stupid but you just can’t seem to stop it anyway. Well now you can stop them and end up feeling good in literally less time than it takes to brew a cup of coffee.  For more information or to order, click “Rapid Relationship Repair.”

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson, Founders and Directors of The Couples Institute, have been helping couples resolve issues and create strong, loving relationships since 1984. They have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For information on their convenient, affordable membership program to click here to improve your marriage or relationship.