The Couples Institute

In my last column, I talked about our daughter Molly’s not complaining about sleeping on the mattress from hell in our vacation condo. I remarked to Molly that she actually doesn’t seem to be much of a complainer at all and inquired how she developed her great attitude.

It is not like she is passive and simply accepts whatever fate deals her at any given moment. She is pretty assertive.

Here is her explanation of why complaining is not much of an option.

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The situation: our family vacation in a one bedroom condo in Hawaii

The problem: Our daughter Molly wakes up from sleeping on a lumpy, scratchy, sorry excuse for a sofa bed mattress. It’s not much thicker than a credit card.

The discovery: I sat on the edge of this folded out “thing” disguised as mattress and uttered a spontaneous, “Wow, what the heck is this thing anyway? Molly, how are you able to sleep on this? You haven’t been complaining about this at all.”

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There is a good article in The New York Times Magazine, (April 18, 2010, p. 56, Tara Parker-Pope) about the negative health effects of a distressed marriage.

A stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit. It can also weaken your immune system and make wounds take longer to heal.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to a lot of people that a distressed relationship can have an unhealthy effect on your body. (I will resist Tiger Woods jokes here.)

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I think everybody has a partner with a habit or flaw they would like to eliminate, tweak or fix. So let’s play a game. You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add some you don’t see. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print the list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

Attractive
Intelligent
Sensitive
Interesting
Enjoys sex about as often as you do
Fun loving
Wants as many kids as you do
Great parent
Has interesting hobbies
Values good health
Enjoys their work
Likes animals
Honest
Loves you for who you are
Great sense of humor
Loves taking care of others
Gives you all the space you want when you want it
Sparkling conversationalist
Loves cooking for you
Enjoys the same foods, movies, music and sports
Manages money well and is great investor
Has the right amount of social and physical energy
Great travel companion
Has the same sense of adventure
Loves what they do professionally and the sky is the limit
Knows just how much to tease you
Trustworthy
Wants to talk when you do
Is interested in your day if you want to talk about it
Is willing to go to therapy (just in case)

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