The Couples Institute

I’m always thinking about marriage, relationships, and what it takes to be successful in them. Here’s a formula I’ve come up with:

Success = self knowledge plus determination
Self knowledge = your attitudes and skills necessary for greater relationship satisfaction
Determination = doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it

Think about it. If you have comments or if you come up with your own formula, please share your ideas by clicking the “comments” link above. It’s under the title on the right hand side.

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There is a way of improving your marriage pretty darn fast. It takes awareness of one aspect of your relationship: patterns.

Here is what I mean. A pattern is a combination of qualities, acts, or tendencies that form a predictable sequence of outcomes in your marriage. The outcomes can be positive or negative.

First, start by becoming aware of recurring actions and reactions.

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We’re taking a close look at the “Five Demons of Couples’ Communication.” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion. Fear contributes to all of these behaviors.

In my last blog post we considered the purpose of fear, its protective function to stop pain or reduce a threat—the old “fight or flight” urge.  But we also have other internal competing interests.

One part of you wants to:

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Last time we discussed resentment. It’s one of the two major bogymen that cause most of your ineffective couple’s communications. The other is fear. When you are feeling fearful or highly anxious in a contentious discussion, you are most likely to regress into being one very ineffective communicator. Remember “”The Five Demons?” They are withdrawal, blaming, whining, resentful compliance and confusion.

Fear is a primary instinctive reaction to a threat. Anger is a secondary emotion that gets expressed after we feel the fear. Here’s what I mean.

If someone recklessly cuts you off when driving, your quick outward reaction may be one of anger, “You  #$!!*%*%%#.” But you felt fear before you expressed your anger.

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