The Couples Institute

by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

While relationships are one of the most important and fulfilling aspects of life, many people are finding it difficult to keep their most intimate relationships healthy and vibrant. The stresses of modern day life in the fast lane have taken their toll, stealing valuable time away from us, which could otherwise be spent nurturing healthy bonds with the ones we love.

This January, you may want to make a New Year’s Resolution for your marriage or relationship that could drastically improve it for years to come. Resolving to incorporate positive strokes into your relationship on a daily basis is a simple way to heighten the intimacy and overall pleasure of any relationship. There are three basic ways to incorporate positive strokes in your relationship. Choosing to practice one or all three with your partner on a daily basis will give you beneficial results from the moment you begin.

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I recently saw a video clip that reminded me of some of the gifts I have given Ellyn. In fact, my checkered history of gift giving has spawned several columns on the subject. But I also learned I was capable of evolving beyond a knuckle dragging Neanderthal.

I smiled and chuckled at this and hope you appreciate it as well. And no, I do not have any involvement with the video’s sponsor. Click gift giving to watch.

Happy holidays,

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By Anne Chan, PhD, MFT

There’s a gift that everyone can give to anyone and it would be one of the most, perhaps the most meaningful gift ever received. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner, your children, and to your friends. It doesn’t cost a dime and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. You don’t even have to go online or brave the crowds at the local mall to get it.

I call it the gift of emotional validation. Stop and think about it – how often has someone stopped to listen, really listen to you, and affirm your feelings? It’s not just about listening, although listening is the first part. It’s also about validating feelings, telling someone they have a right to their own emotions, that it’s okay for them to feel what they feel. It’s a gift of understanding, compassion, humanity, validation, and kindness all rolled in one.

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Do you fret over gifts this time of year? Do you wonder what would make your partner feel loved, valued and appreciated this holiday season?

How many times have you picked what you thought was a winning gift and then discovered it’s a dud? That’s partly because we tend to give what we desire. Sometimes it’s painfully transparent, like the do-it-yourselfer who gives a power tool, or the chef who gives cookware. But even at our most generous, we choose gifts that WE think our partner will like. It’s always perceived through our frame of reference.

It’s hard to know what would make your partner feel truly appreciated. When I ask couples what their partners would appreciate, they often fail to come up with more than one or two things. Sometimes they even struggle describing to their spouse what they themselves would like.

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