The Couples Institute

Let me set the stage.

Joe and Sally are in an expensive special occasion restaurant, their table immaculately set with Ginori china and fancy pique linen. Roses and candles add to the romantic ambiance.

The extremely long reservation list made this a highly anticipated dinner.

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Instead of asking what to do when discussions turn into arguments, ask yourself, “How do I aspire to be in difficult discussions?”

Focusing on how you aspire to be will actually give you guidance about what to do in the heat of the moment. Plus the guidelines to follow are your creation, so they’ll be authentic, organic. Since they’ll reflect your true goals for yourself, they’ll be more powerful than any goals imposed from someone outside.

The focus on how you aspire to be is your target when under stress. Without a target you will simply reflex back into self-protective modes and your nasty patterns will repeat.

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by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

I recently had a discussion with a two-time world champion ballroom dancer who has also mentored other dancers to become world champions. This man truly knows dancing and coaching. He told me the way to help your partner to become a better dancer is to become a better dancer yourself.

“Wait a minute – hold on here,” I said. “That rule can’t possibly apply to you. You enter Pro-am dance contests where by definition you are more skilled than your amateur partners. Surely it’s OK to tell your partners what they’re doing wrong and what they should do better. You are the proven, credentialed expert. They are rank amateurs. You have earned the right to tell them how to improve.”

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by Peter Pearson, Ph.D.

I recently had a discussion with a two-time world champion ballroom dancer who has also mentored other dancers to become world champions. This man truly knows dancing and coaching. He told me the way to help your partner to become a better dancer is to become a better dancer yourself.

“Wait a minute – hold on here,” I said. “That rule can’t possibly apply to you. You enter Pro-am dance contests where by definition you are more skilled than your amateur partners. Surely it’s OK to tell your partners what they’re doing wrong and what they should do better. You are the proven, credentialed expert. They are rank amateurs. You have earned the right to tell them how to improve.”

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