The Couples Institute

 

Very few people actually like conflict. They may like the outcome when they “win” an argument but I don’t think they enjoy the negative effects on their partner.

If you “win” an argument, do you think your partner feels closer to you? More emotionally connected? Better about the trajectory of the relationship?

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Here is the distress pattern of most (but not all) couples:

When one person is triggered by feeling rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

They respond with
aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Which then triggers their partner to feel
rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

Which leads to responding with aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

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