The Couples Institute

 

Very few people actually like conflict. They may like the outcome when they “win” an argument but I don’t think they enjoy the negative effects on their partner.

If you “win” an argument, do you think your partner feels closer to you? More emotionally connected? Better about the trajectory of the relationship?

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Emotional connections. At the core, this is what creates marriages that flourish – emotional connections in the areas of roles, responsibilities, and affection in all its glorious forms. Without emotional connections, you can have a pleasant roommate experience and no more. The depth and breadth of emotional connections is what makes your mate special to you and you to them.

 

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Most people don’t like the tension that comes from disagreements, fighting, and loud voices, so they psychologically or emotionally contort how they speak to each other to avoid the tension.

But what happens when this approach is taken too far?

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Here is the distress pattern of most (but not all) couples:

When one person is triggered by feeling rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

They respond with
aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Which then triggers their partner to feel
rejected
neglected
disrespected
threatened

Which leads to responding with aggression
retaliation
resentful compliance disengagement

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

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