Dr. Ellyn Bader and
Dr. Peter Pearson




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How compatible do we need to be to stay married?

A question couples often ask, is how compatible do we need to be to stay married? I would like to turn the same question back to you for a moment. How would you assess this couple?

He was white trash. She grew up in an upper middle class Jewish neighborhood. He was on academic probation all the way through school. She was a Phi Beta Kappa. He gets a life changing idea every time he takes a shower. She loves structure and predictability. He is a slob. She is a neatnick. He likes movies with explosions. And she likes slowly unfolding movies with lots of character development and dialogue. He broods and ruminates. She gets over stuff pretty fast.

Can this marriage be saved? We certainly hope so, because it's us and we've been together since 1978, and professionally focused on helping couples improve their relationships since 1984. If you believe that problems and disillusionments in relationships are inevitable, you're right. Actually, it's not the problems that create so much distress. Your relationship satisfaction will depend on how you think about your difficulties, how you manage your feelings, where you focus you attention, and how you act and communicate under stress.

It took me(Pete) an embarrassingly long time to realize that Ellyn was not the source of my unhappiness. It also took a long time to understand that struggles are not a sign of a failing relationship, and then gradually I began to see our relationship as a journey along a path of development. This was fundamental to creating a more positive outlook about our future.

Starting tomorrow you will receive audio emails that will guide, cajole, stretch and inspire you to create the relationship you want. It won't always be easy or effortless. But the reward is a more authentic and satisfying relationship. You will both go beyond the narrow focus of striving to get your needs met, to becoming more loving in your giving, and more gracious in your receiving. We hope you will look forward to our next meeting as much as we do.

With appreciation and respect-

Ellyn and Pete.