Dr. Ellyn Bader and
Dr. Peter Pearson




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When did your relationship begin?

Safety in the Bubble

Hi, it's Ellyn and Pete here. Let's start today with a question. When do you think your relationship began? When you first met, had your first date, or made a commitment to be with each other? We think that it begins for real when you made that commitment. The stakes are raised and the potential rewards and challenges become even greater. Here is what we think happens when the commitment is made. The two of you draw a psychological boundary around yourselves. Declaring- indeed, we are a couple. It is almost like a bubble between you and the outside world… a special place where you can feel psychologically and emotionally safe. You create a secure base, and it is from that security that you can grow and support individual differences and have disagreements. But both of you must feel safe in this boundary. In the committed relationship, there are so, so many interdependencies. This is what makes it different from any other relationship.

You can look at this interdependency from different perspectives. For example, pairs figure stating, which is very interdependent. But it doesn't work if one person is in great shape and reliable and the other person is depleted and doesn't' show up for practice. Interdependencies can also take the form of two mountain climbers tethered to each other by a rope. They depend on each other to navigate dangerous terrain. It can also be like a 3 legged race in your journey through life. Whatever you do will have a dramatic impact on your partner. In a three legged race it doesn't help your partner if you let yourself get depleted, run down and don't take care of yourself. It also doesn't create the highest potential if one person says, "I'll be the boss, and you just let me tell you what to do." That system creates a passenger and not a copilot. This passenger system loses out on the potential for having a more joyful or satisfying journey, and all the talents of each will not be fulfilled. During a long three legged race, if one person goes off to have fun, and the other does the work that is necessary for the team… when they get back together one says, "Hey let's go" and the other one says "I'm tired," this sets the stage for a fight. Probably the one situation that is closest to this is when two people create a start up company. In the start up, each person has to believe that the other one will pull their own weight, and each makes contributions and is dependable for following through. Without a feeling of safety and trust in all forms, the potential of the union is crippled, opportunities are squandered, time and talents are wasted.

What you want inside your bubble is a lot of TLC. And here is what we mean. The T is for trust, reliability. You do what you say you will do, or you give your partner reasonable notice when you can't get something done.

L is for learning. When stress or problems arise, it is important to keep asking yourself, what can I learn about me or about us and the situation? How can I do better next time? What are the skills that I or we need to develop to get the results we want?

C is for caring. If you don't care, then it all doesn't make much difference. If you each care and can express your good intentions, you have the potential to build a strong solid relationship on the foundation of integrity, trust, loyalty and love. This foundation will give you an honest shot at reaching any goal you set. If you are successful inside your boundary, you will create an effective team and have a loving, flourishing relationship, and that is what we hope to help you develop more of- trust, learning great tools to solve problems and improve communication, and enhancing your emotional connection.

Till next time, with appreciation and respect, Ellyn and Pete